KIM’S GLUTEI MAXIMI and 50 SHADES OF…. by Harry McAvinchey

In Norneverland there is always talk about religiosity and conservatism .Someone’s always squealing about morality or sex …or what you should be allowed to see or do with your own body. You’ll get them on the radio ranting about god and sodomy and all the rest..and how women are way too sexy for their own good these days!!

Then  there’s what ‘s really happening in the “real” world that nobody talks about but which everyone has an opinion about  .

Don’t get me wrong ,from the offset. I had  vaguely heard of Kim Kardashian and her glorious  glutei maximi.. You would need to have been on Mars not to have heard or seen somewhere about the arse with a mind of its own ; the posterior that had somehow crashed the internet; the bum that ruled the world. We kept being told about it everywhere we went. The internet was full of itself and this incredible news .Only yesterday ,I  opened a magazine which came free  with the Sunday papers and there , somehow inappropriately , was a very tight close-up of the owner’s face…not her full head, mind …just her beautifully made-up eyes and pouting lips. It seemed a statement of intent by the photographer.Concentrate on this face and put any other unsavoury thoughts out of your minds .What other thoughts could anyone have?Inside the magazine  feature, the bottom that launched a thousand quips, was nowhere to be seen.

I said I’ve heard of the young lady, but that’s only a recent revelation . I’ve still no real idea “why” I should have heard about her at all. I’ll admit to not having a clue to who she is and what she has done to make her so {in}famous.Then again , I’ve heard about “Fifty Shades of Grey” but I know precious little about it other than it ‘s purportedly  such a  badly written  book that it would make Ernest Hemingway blush…..and not about its content either….Well , I’ve been forewarned  by all those literary critics and my wife …so  instead of reading it ,I’ll spend my  precious time reading the hundreds of other books that I’ve still to read before I die. Let’s face it , I’ve read plenty of fluff and pulp in my time too , so I’m not about to disparage this author’s good fortune in selling millions of copies of her book to her avid sado-mascochistic  fans. Telling them they’d be better off with the Marquis De Sade or watching the film “Quills” mightn’t cut their French Mustard .We should all be so lucky that we could lock into that kind of following or readership. Alas..it’s not for everyone ,is it? None of this has stopped the book becoming a global phenomenom and spawning  a film that has the potential to yet cause riots, or at the very least . a new population explosion.Apparently  thousands of lubricious women are already enjoying it all immensely, whether or not the purveyors of literary  taste or  the moral guardians , approve or not..

You see, I talked about this before . There’s nothing as strange as folks .Here in Norneverland , not only have we still believers in witchcraft, Satan and all his spawn , but we also have a thriving taste for bare bums and exotic sexual practices. Thousands of women surely can’t be wrong, can they?. Of course , all the bare buttockds that anyone would ever need can be googled at the press of a button , so why would anyone want to go to the cinema to just possibly get a glimpse in a sanitised film of a very poor book.?Who knows?

None of this explains the  sensation that is Kim Kardashian and her planet -spanning hind quarters . Did this woman somehow solve the mystery of the universe or come up with a novel way of curing cancer?Why  and what does she actually do and  how, when  and where  did she become so famous? That’s the real mystery . Maybe it’s an “age thing”…. All answers on  a postcard please..as they used to say in pre-internet days….. or maybe I’d better google that too….