Picture by May Williams
P Rogue: I have an idea.
A Renegade: Oh good, P ! I love it when you have ideas.
P Rogue: Remember that interview where you ticked off the interviewer and said you’d be staying at your post to avoid the possibility of a rogue Shinner or a renegade SDLPer damaging Northern Ireland? And especially the unionist community?
A Renegade: I do indeed. Loved every minute of it.
P Rogue: So my idea is, put all Sinn Féin and SDLP politicians under house arrest.
A Renegade: But…But wouldn’t that look a bit high-handed? You can’t put people in prison with no evidence.
P Rogue: I think you’ll find we can. And have. Anyway, we could justify it on the grounds that there’s a possibility they’d commit an illegal act.
A Renegade: Oh P – that’s brilliant! You have such an inventive mind. I think I love your brain organ more than any other.
P Rogue: Thank you, A – we do what we can. Because it is undeniable that if left free, some SDLP or Sinn Féin MLA or MP could commit an illegal act.
A Renegade: A possibility, right… Although maybe we’d better give the media an example.
P Rogue: Of course. The public love examples. So we could say there’s a possibility one of them could damage Northern Ireland and the unionist community in particular by dropping an empty crisps packet.
A Renegade: Poop!
P Rogue: I beg your pardon?
A Renegade: Dog poop! We could also say there’s a possibility one of them would allow their dog to take a poop in a public place, and then be so socially irresponsible as to not bother cleaning it up.
P Rogue: Very good indeed, A. You too have a clever mind.The fact that both McGuinness and Adams have a dog makes our case all the more convincing.
A Renegade: McGuinness and Adams share a dog?
P Rogue: Of course not! They’ve one each. Which doubles the possibility of a crime taking place.
A Renegade: Love it! Is that enough examples, do you think?
P Rogue: Maybe one more…Mmmm… Driving. Drunk driving. There’s always a possibility of that.
A Renegade: But isn’t McGuinness a teetotaller?
P Rogue: Then his driver. He could possibly get sloshed and careen all over the place.
A Renegade: Oh P, I – I – your mind moves so quickly – you’re so masterful !
P Rogue: Easy there. I’m a married man. More or less.
A Renegade: When will the house detention start?
P Rogue: Before Halloween at the latest.
A Renegade: And you’re sure we can do this?
P Rogue: No worries. I’ve had a, um, word in the Chief Constable ear and he’s onside with the idea. In fact, he suggested we could even widen things to include all the nationalist/republican voters.
A Renegade: You mean…everyone?
P Rogue: Well, not unionists, obviously. But all of those who refuse to accept the Chief Constable’s word that the IRA killed Kevin McGuigan.
A Renegade: A sort of cricket test, then….Terrific. But won’t there be objections to house-arresting all nationalist/republicans while leaving unionists free to roam?
P Rogue: I’m surprised at you saying such a thing, A. Don’t you remember? We are above all the party of law and order.
A Renegade: Of course – how silly of me. Oh P – you think of everything! I can’t wait for the round-up to start. Will we keep them in for long?
P Rogue: Only until the election is over.
(They exit stage left, A Renegade making little yipping sounds of admiration and P Rogue looking pleased in a tight-lipped way)
I suppose internment might be out of the question ?..You know …start off with nationalist politicians and then work downward through the lower , more volatile orders…there’s that Maze site still doing nothing…..
Stranger things have happened at sea…
At first glance, Esteemed Blogmeister, one thought your blog today referred to the hit of Hank Wliilams, the one which goes:
‘Goodbye, Joe, me gotta go, me oh my o
Me gotta go, pole the pirogue down the bayou
My Yvonne, the sweetest one, me oh my o
Son of a gun we’ll have good fun on the bayou.
A pirogue in this instance of a song drawing on both Creole and Cajun cultures, means a flat-bottomed boat. Which set one reflecting maturely: perhaps, you are, EB, after all referring to this song.
For the following piece of knee-walking evidence which might or might not quite stand up in a court of law: that the Acting First Minister is, in fact, a flat-bottomed daughter of a gun. Though Perkie’s inner pining swain has never actually seen the AFM in the round, as it were, but only her ballade-provoking facade on TV, and she to be either in a standing or seated posish, one, nonethless, does have one’s sources in Norneverland, not least in the vicinity of the Giantess’s Causeway.
Say no more, Seymour.
Indeed, the more mature one’s recollection becomes, the more convinced one becomes that, maybe after all you are actually referring to the million-selling gold record of Hank’s ‘a million Williams.
For the following piece of knee-walking evidence: As is well known by now the Director of Elections and Doctor of Spin for the Blueshirted Bluegrass Party has issued a top-secret memo to the troops on the ground, not only to the effect that ‘The Shinners come with a whiff of sulphur’ but a memo which also contains the title of the Campaign Song: to be.
Whereas the laughinlgly-tilted Labour Party has its Red Lines, the Blueshirted Bluegrass Party has its, erm, Blue Lion: Leo.
Indeed, for both a dare and Adare itself at last week’s jamboree Dr. Darth Vader Varadkar (for it is he !) was heard to lead the party faithfuls in early night sessions in smoke free rooms in a rousing though health-conscious rendition of the Campaign Song:
‘Jambalaya and a crawfish pie and fillet gumbo
‘Cause tonight I’m gonna see ma cher ami-o
Pick guitar, fill fruit jar and be (gulp) gay-o
Son of a gun we’ll have big fun on the bayou.
(Nutritional Note: The Cajun Cuisine Commission, which is based in Biloxi, Mississippi, and which monitors quality control on the Deep South’s dining tables has assured Dr.Darth Vader Varadkar that jambalaya, crawfish pie and fillet gumbo all pass muster, medical-wise.
To which assurance Blue Line Leo replied: ‘Shucks, I’s been a hanker after Mr. William’s taste in music ever since I was knee high to a bluegrasshopper.. Anything’ good enough for Mr. Williams is good enough for me, me,me’.
Plain note: Dr. Darth Vader Varadkar is nothing if not respectful as can be seen by his reference to the Hank whose taste in music he hankered after as ‘Mr’ Williams aka the King of Countrywestern Music.
Even though said Hank was but a dirt-poor product of trailer-trash Dixieland.One is confident that the PM-in-waiting would be just as respectful to a foreign Head of State, even if that H of S happened to be a, erm, Queen.
Hup, ya bayou !
Cigar for “Hup, ya bayou !” – I’m grinning like a ninny (I hope that’s PC)
As long as you don’t try to pick a ninny!
Fifty Years of Stormont one Party Rule, sure we can do this Time standing on our heads….piece of Cake,-With or Without a File in it, to cut through the Bars.
Has Albert Einstein got it spot on with his definition of insanity, did Albert study Unionism…..the repetitive motions of said would certainly suggest that he wasn’t always concerned with E = MC/2…..his super-brain must,at some stage, have been diverted from the possibility of splitting the atom to the perplexity that Unionism spends an infinite amount of time and energy trying to split the entire community , much to the consternation of the whole universe….only to end up at point zero again
Has Albert Einstein got it spot on with his definition of insanity, did Albert study Unionism…..
If Einstein studied Republicanism he would surely say they have an addiction for criminality…