Virginia bugs Downing Street

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(This article first appeared in the Andersonstown News)

Enda Kenny was in Downing Street last Monday. Isn’t that exciting? He was visiting the British Prime Minister David Cameron with the focus on Britain’s relations with the EU.

“Discuss” is the word that was used to describe the  meeting. However it’s far too vigorous a word. What the meeting amounted to was more David telling Enda what he needed to do. Virginia  managed to plant a listening device in the room and we got this transcript.

Enda: So, Dave, how are you finding these EU honchos, ah? They can be tough nut-crackers, believe you me. Making much progress on getting special terms for Britain?

David:  Not so far, Kenny. There’s an EU summit on 18 and 19 February and I’ve been told in confidence by one or two of the EU people that they might cobble together a face-saver for me then. Like when the troika used to come to Dublin and write your budget but pretend you were in charge. Remember?

Enda: Mother of God, will I ever  forget. Those three feckers making an eejit of me in front of my own people, headlines every day saying I was only a puppet with a Brussels hand shoved up my you-know-what. I can tell you, Dave, they’re a bunch of bruisers, those Europeans. Can’t speak proper English but would think nothing of tearing your heart out. Especially the Germans.

David:  It is proving somewhat difficulty, Kenny. I won’t deny it.

Enda: But can we not help you at all at all, Dave? I don’t mind saying,  we in Fine Gael have always admired your Conservative Party,  modeled ourselves on the way you go to work. When you take the scalpel to your health service, you slice deep and true.  I say to my lot “That man Dave Cameron, you watch him,  he is the master”. So  I’m telling you no word of a lie when I say our whole party is on their knees prayin’ to Our Lady of Knock that you’ll come back with a good class of rabbit in the hat for impressing your people. Because if you don’t, we could well be banjaxed along with  you. Watch-towers back on the border, passports being stamped, feckin’ Syrians slipping in here ready to blow us all to Kingdom Come. Doesn’t bear thinking about. Fine Gael prayers go with you, Dave, and that’s no word of a lie.

David: You’re praying, Kenny? For God’s sake, man, I’m funneling off 10% of the budget to the Archbishop of Canterbury, to organize some heaven-storming.

Enda: Grand, grand. And I have the Cabinet on their knees reciting a decade of the rosary for you every morning.

 David: Well when you get off the knees, Kenny, maybe you’d be good enough to put out a call to all those Irish people living in Britain. Most of them have a vote, so I’m depending on you to tell them they must go for a staying-in-Europe response when our referendum is held. Because it could be very close.

Enda:  Yerrah, don’t fret your head, Dave. And isn’t a bit of help the least we could do. When we were up against the wall, thanks to the mismanagement of that shower of Fianna Fail incompetents, who was it gave us that big loan?  You. The Brits. It made a massive difference, let me tell you. You did us a favour, Dave, and one sure thing: Paddy doesn’t forget a favour.

David: Pleased to hear it, Kenny. And I hope Paddy doesn’t forget to include the interest due when he’s paying back.

Enda: Oh no problem, sound as a bell, Dave. The cheque is in the post. Now – Any other way I can give you a leg up?

David: Yes, Kenny. I’d be grateful if  you’d make a public statement nearer the time of our referendum, calling on all British people living in your jurisdiction to get the finger out and  tick the ‘Stay In’ box on their postal vote.

Enda: Consider it done, Dave. And would you like me to put in a good word  personally with the EU honchos myself, to make sure they give you a  credible class of face-saver to bring back home?

David: Well now Kenny, I don’t mean to be rude. But didn’t the European Central Bank and the troika kick your Irish arse up and down O’Connell Street until you did what you were told?

Enda: Well, that’s putting it a bit crude –

David: I’m a blunt man, Kenny, so let me spell it out.  I don’t think the EU head honchos give a tuppenny damn what you say or advise them. In fact, you’d maybe better avoid saying anything You might only provoke them and we’d be the ones would suffer.

Enda:  Well you’re the boss, Dave. You know I just want to be supportive. As I say, myself and my party  have always admired you and we’ll be modeling ourselves on you in this feckin’ election we’re facing in February. Please God we’ll get a similar result to yours.

David: You have my sincere best wishes…(Looks at watch). Oops – your ten minutes are up, I’m afraid, Kenny. Don’t forget what I said – be sure to get the paddies in Britain on board, and the Brits in your own country as well.

Enda: Consider it done, Dave. And on a personal note, could I thank you for allowing a simple primary school teacher from Mayo to walk in here to the grandeur of No 10 and sit here yarning with you. I want you to know, I feel honoured, Dave. Privileged.

David:  You’re welcome. There’s your coat –good  to see you again, Kenny.

Enda: And I’m honoured to see you.  No word of a lie… Although there is one thing. I know it’s a  minor detail but… my name’s not Kenny.

David: You’re not called Kenny?

Enda: Well I am, I’m a Kenny all right, but that’s the old surname, don’t you know. My first name is Enda.

David:  Really? How odd. Edna Kenny. Sounds like a husband-and-wife team. Anyway, cheers, Edna. And don’t forget what I told you to do.

Enda: Ah sure hold your tongue, what else would I  be doing?  You’re an inspiration to all of us in Fine Gael, Mr Prime Minister.

David: Well thank you, and good luck with your election, Edna. Mind the step …No, no, that’s all right officer – he’s not drunk, no need to arrest him. He’s with me.


12 Responses to Virginia bugs Downing Street

  1. Jim.hunter January 31, 2016 at 1:32 pm #


  2. paddykool January 31, 2016 at 2:59 pm #

    Yes , Jude …very droll .Something to cheer up a bleak and cheerless Sunday ,alright.

  3. Iolar January 31, 2016 at 4:13 pm #

    Ireland’s call

    The cold war intensifies between Fine Gael and the Irish Labour Party, not over ideological or policy differences, not even over Brexit, no the bugbear is the Ireland Six Nations rugby match against England in Twickenham on Saturday 27 February 2016. The strategists prefer a Thursday for an election. The priorities now are the flights and the ferries for the rugby international.

    A raft of Labour Ministers, the canoe was the subject of a risk assessment, urged An Taoiseach to opt for an election on a Friday, a day that would facilitate students to exercise the right to vote. Apparently, the strategists have poured cold water on such a suggestion. It is just not cricket. This is no time for loose balls, there is everything to play for.

  4. giordanobruno January 31, 2016 at 4:21 pm #

    I’m sure that sort of thing goes down well in the Andytown News.
    What is your view on the EU referendum?
    In or out, or are you merely a disinterested observer?

    • Jude Collins January 31, 2016 at 5:54 pm #

      Do I detect a condescending note in your first sentence, gio? I do hope not. As to EU, I’m in favour of staying in. I’m also in favour of a reformed EU, where economic might doesn’t call the shots for the economic week, but that it’s a genuine economic union with the strong helping support the weak. Btw, you’ve misused the word ‘disinterested’ – a common mistake.

      • giordanobruno January 31, 2016 at 6:50 pm #

        I knew you would bite on that ‘disinterested’ as an old (I mean ex) schoolteacher
        I am not suggesting you are uninterested, I was suggesting neutrality on the issue as you might have no bias in either direction.
        I agree, by the way, about staying in. Anything that helps dissipate separatism and the worst aspects of nationalism (which I think the EU does) is worthwhile.

  5. Ryan January 31, 2016 at 5:13 pm #

    The sad and pathetic thing is this is probably how the meeting between Davey-Kenny went. We know there is a Bromance going on between Davey and Kenny for a long time now and at this time Kenny will be getting tips from Davey on how best to get re-elected given his last 5 years of butchering austerity in the south,… if Davey can do it, why cant Kenny? Of course Davey has more than one reason for wanting Kenny to get re-elected, Davey I’m sure despises the Shinners just as much as his Heroine Margaret Thatcher did and the last thing he would want is to be having meetings at No.10 Downing Street with the new Taoiseach Gerry Adams. What a horrid thought! Davey would have to stock up on medicine for stomach sickness if he were in such a situation, we know John Major would’ve had to if he were in Davey’s current situation.

    I’m sure Arlene Foster and Nigel Dodd’s aren’t happy right now either. The cheek of that Enda Kenny, going to our Prime Ministers house and sticking his nose into our affairs concerning the EU….

  6. Perkin Warbeck January 31, 2016 at 6:18 pm #

    The ten minute time slot at Number Ten, Esteemed Blogmeister, would appear to be the standard time slot ,GMT.

    In the White House on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue the time slot, one understands, is 16.00 minutes. Though at one time it seems as if the allotted time slot was even longer before one got thrun out on one’s snot.

    That is why in 1886 the then Prez, Chester A. Arthur commissioned John Philip Sousa to compose an uptempo toon to facilitate a faster thru- flo of visitors in the White House. Thus, was the16.00 minute slot earmarked before one got turfed out on one’s ear. This was the toon entitled ‘Presidential Polonaise’, but alas the timing was all wrong.

    President Chester A. Arthur had expired before the composition was completed. His allotted time on Planet Earth was up. A case of, perhaps, Hail and Farewell to the Chief.

    Verse from D’Cameron

    Your allotted slot’s ten mins, Enda of the DUP
    So sup the Earl Grey from your bone-china cup
    Safe trip back to Cullybackey
    My most trustworthy lackey
    Like our time in Europe your. time. too. is. up.

    PS The geographical faux pas here might well be down to one of two factors;

    1. The Thatcherite confusion concerning Not an Inchley Norneverland and Finchely.

    2. The ancestral thatched cottage of President Chester A. Arthur is located at
    (Not unlike the White House itself, the cottage has restricted opening hours).

  7. Jim Neeson February 1, 2016 at 10:57 am #

    Excellent article !!!