The Rumour Mill: could Simon Heffer be going to the Sindo?

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I wonder if the Indo has thought of recruiting Simon Heffer. If they do, he’ll surely slip smoothly into place alongside its present coven of columnists. Here’s Simon in the Daily Telegraph yesterday:

“One would have needed the proverbial heart of stone not to have laughedwhen Gerry Adams was denied entry to Barack Obama’s St Patrick’s Day reception by high-handed security staff. However, Mr Obama posed grinning with another scoundrel, Martin McGuinness. Memories of 9/11 and what terrorism really means were, I thought, stronger than that in America. I am also always surprised that the IRA’s love of Ireland is such that they choose to spend their national day not in beautiful Dublin, but in the United States.”

If that’s not a classic paragraph penned by someone who has managed not to move an inch in his thinking since about 1974, my big sister is Maud Gonne. No ifs, no buts – Adams and McGuinness, pair of scoundrels, should spend their national day in …Dublin? EH? Maybe I was hasty with that 1974 judgement. This man appears to believe in an Ireland unencumbered by the border, with his suggestion that the two northern scoundrels should be spending their Paddy’s Day in Dublin. A foreign country, many of us in the north would claim. Yet here’s Simon, talking like a post-reunification pundit. Anyway, it just shows – never rush to judgement. You think you’ve got a man like Simon figured and boom! He reveals his they’re-all-paddies side. Write that man’s name down and see he’s invited to next year’s White House bash.

Meanwhile, I’m tempted to think there may be another election on its way in the south. Several voices have been raised in recent days, calling on all politicians to be involved in trying to form a government. Sometimes these voices name Sinn Féin as being prominent among those who prefer to stand and slag, rather than take off their coat and work for a new government. Yes, Victoria, of course it clashes with the Fine Gael/Fianna Fail pre-election promises that they’d under no circumstances get involved with Sinn Féin post-election; but if there was another election, it’d be a good brick to throw at the Shinners, wouldn’t it?  They’re the guys to blame for the people having to go through the tedium and rubbish of a second general election in months. Punish them in the voting booth, would yis?

There’s also been a lot of talk about Gerry Adams’s non-admittance being linked to IRA activities in the past; and Ruth Dudley Edwards is in full cry in today’ Sindo, telling anyone who reads her that Patrick Pearse had a cast in his eye, was incapable like all in his family of having normal sexual relationships – in fact was terrified of women – plus he liked to daydream about kissing young boys on the mouth. Damn republicans – if they’re not blowing people up they’re kissing young boys.

So there could indeed be another election within months. I’d say there definitely will be another election inside months, except that the Sindo does the Shinner-slag every week, regardless of elections. And since this oft-mounted assault on the same weary target does be getting tedious from time to time, fresh blood in the form of Simon might be just what’s needed. So hello, Simon – this is Jim and that is Ruth. I know you three are going to have so much  to talk about…

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4 Responses to The Rumour Mill: could Simon Heffer be going to the Sindo?

  1. Sherdy March 20, 2016 at 2:26 pm #

    Jude, your old mate Ruthless Doddery Edwards seems to be very knowledgeable in the history of sexual proclivities.
    That being the case, could you ask her to do a treatise on the sexual inclinations of the late James Molyneaux, in the light of the revelations from his loving friend Chrissie?
    She might also enlighten us as to whether Chrissie was one of those London rent boys we heard so much of some years ago.
    Or does she only do a poison pen job on those her boss DOB doesn’t agree with?

  2. Iolar March 20, 2016 at 3:35 pm #

    Is is said that Myles na gCopaleen had a command of so many Irish adjectives, that he did not have to repeat the same one in his lifetime. Myles could spot rógaire cruthanta, a proper rogue or séantoir, a renegade and that is the plain truth of it. As for feillbhithiúnach, a thorough scoundrel:

    “Characters should be interchangeable…discerning authors could draw their characters as required, creating only when they failed to find a suitable puppet.”

    It is not clear, yet, if the the men and women pulling the strings in Ireland, had to remove some of the spymasters who were outstanding in an old field of their own, for sex daily or dyslexia, in the interests of national security. Myles was outstanding in his field and could spot seanfach, an old heifer and manure du jour without the aid of spectacles.

  3. Ryan March 20, 2016 at 7:40 pm #

    If another election does come along then this year is definitely the year of the elections: two General Elections, 1 Assembly Election (Arlene already starting on the “Keep them’uns Out” campaign) and 1 EU vote on a Brexit (Theresa Villiers is a very big fan of a Brexit despite the grave negative effects on NI this will bring, shows how much she really cares about Norn Iron…as much as David Cameron cares about the foxes his Tory mates want to rip apart for sport)

    Simon Heffer was laughing at Gerry Adams being denied entry to the White House? I wonder what his reaction was all the times Gerry Adams was in the White House? Or when he was invited by, I believe, Congressman Neal to the ceremony when Obama first became President? I’m willing to bet it was similar to poor Ruth’s reaction: a frothing mouth, tears of anger dripping down from outraged eyes and followed by a head ache. British PM John Major was so angry by President Clinton giving Adams a visa to the USA that he refused to accept phone calls from Clinton for 2 days. Talk about throwing a hissy fit…..

    If Ruth Dudley Edwards wants to talk about grown men kissing young boys/girls then I’m puzzled because there was plenty for her to write about when it came to the paedophile ring at Westminster in her beloved mother England. But yet I’ve never seen an article wrote by her, certainly not one wrote on a weekly basis like she does about the Shinners, about the paedophile ring made up by MP’s and numerous high ranking MI5/MI6 members. The Deputy leader of MI6 was definitely a paedophile who was involved in Kincorra and was, conveniently, exposed after he had died. Even British PM Edward Heath was accused of being involved in the sexual abuse of children. There has even been allegations of the MURDER of children by British MP’s.

    We have heard allegations about numerous Unionist politicians being involved at Kincorra along with Loyalist paramilitary members. There have been “hints” just last week about former UUP leader James Molyneaux being in a homosexual relationship (of course that’s not being a paedophile and I’m not making comparison but homosexuality is something Molyneaux would’ve viciously condemned). And, of course, Ian Paisley has been accused of turning a blind eye to the sexual abuse of children by Orange men (who were convicted and jailed) by a woman in his Church. She said she told Paisley at least 7 times about the abuse and he did nothing. There has also been allegations of the RUC covering up for paedophiles and protecting them. Indeed, the investigation into the Westminster paedophile ring wont extend to Kincorra…..I wonder why?…….

    But no, Ruth doesn’t write about any of this. But if it had have been Sinn Fein’s name mentioned in these numerous allegations you can be sure Ruth would have a field day and would be churning out articles like there was no tomorrow. It shows her agenda. But who is pulling the strings behind Ruth, if anyone? That’s what I’m more interested in….

    I don’t know if Sinn Fein would want another election, despite the opportunity to gain more TD’s, I think the best outcome for them would be a FG/FF coalition. If there is another election and the outcome is basically the same as now then FF/FG would have no choice but to go into coalition together and I think that’s what is going to happen in the long run.

  4. Perkin Warbeck March 20, 2016 at 7:43 pm #

    Passremarkable all the same, Esteemed Blogmeister, the difference a Sunday can make. In the titles, at least, of two newspapers: or rather, more precisely, screwspapers.

    Whereas the Sunday Indpendent likes to turn the screws on the IRA/ Shinners the Independent, back in the time of Bush and Blair squaring up to the Mirage of Mass Destructon in the Desert , was noted for the screw-turning job it did on the IRA/Q-uagmire.

    That would be the Independent published on the Mainland and the main man there of course was/ still is the irresistible Robert Fisk.

    Curiously, very, they had the Lad O’Reilly at the helm of both. Then, the overwhelmingly richest man in Ireland who now, sadly, hasn’t a Tone in any of his (ochone) Saville Row pin-striped trousers.

    So, how to square that particular ovoid?

    There is a story told in the boyo-ography of Sir A.J. O’Reilly, aka the Maximalist (for it is one and the same !) of a lunch held in London before the war in Iraq began. It was attended by the board of management of the Independent and the souper star of spin doctors, Alastair Campbell. Whose tureen it was to ask this question when the ladling had been done.

    -Right, we have all had our say, who is AGAINST this war?

    The editor of the Independent and all the senior editorial people put their hands up. After fixing this poxy lot with a proxy Blair Glare for ten seconds flat, Alastair the can-do Campbell then mellowed his facial expression into a jolly deferential fellow style look, on turning to the other side of the table.

    -And who, pray, and saving your gracious presences, is FOR the war?

    Like obedient schoolchildren in a cowed co-ed Belvedere College, first Sir Tony, then, in turn, Lady O’Reilly, the C.E.O. and the M.D. all almost shot the lights out with their hands up. The speed with which the latter four fore-lock tuggers pointed their manicured fingers in the direction of the ceiling was possibly influenced by the knowledge that they, in all probability , would not be getting any sand between THEIR pedicured toes.

    (Though one understands that Lady O would have looked rather fetching in designer desert fatigues from the benchmark House of Givenchy).


    To try and get a grip of this rather bizarre bit of tight-rope walking by the ring-master of media ownership (that was) perhaps it is best to switch locations, from Thameside to Liffeyside.

    Picture, say, a lunch in the top gourmet Dublin restaurant and consistent walk-away winner of the annual Egon Ronay Award, the gastronomically renowned Gobble and Go.

    Imagine, for instance, to be seated on one side of the table, the top editorial hot shots of the Sindo , faced on the other side by the top managerial brass, and the hostess with the m. at the top to be the hypothetical lady spin doctor of the Government of the Day.

    -Right, now that you’ve all had your say, which amongst you is AGAINST this, erm, sally?

    All hands shoot on the editorial side to the ceiling in unison.

    After delivering her infamous dagger -look for ten-seconds flat at those shaggy-haired blaggers, Ms Sally Rift-Valley, (for it might well be she! ), persuasive as ever in her favourite suede ensemble, would turn then to the managerial side of the table, and with due deference, as follows, purr:

    -And who, pray, on this sagacious side……is FOR the sally?

    Where, strangely, all hands would shout up, once more, in unison.

    The sally, incidentally, would be a Leaflets for Peace distribution sally by the Glennane Farm for Disarmament Studies sindocate, oops, syndicate.

    While the London lunch did actually happen, it would be stretching the elastic of credulity beyond snapping point to imagine the Dublin lunch. Which, of course, never did, would or could take place. Sindo editors know on which side of their bread the, erm, Kerrygold is spread.

    The reason? Easy. The c-word:


    It must be first understood that for media moguls, it is above all imperative to weed out the chaff from the Etonians, if one is the achieve the ultimate accolade:


    By nature, media moguls are risk-takers (not least with the moola of the gullible and other game for a laugh chaff) and that is why Sir Tones was willing to risk it with Fisk. A media mogul with muscles on his brains (all those slabs of Kerrygold in bowls of Waterford glass, all those cans of beans on Wedgewood plates) the Maximalist was prepared to do a spot of tight-rope walking –on and in the banks of the Thames.

    -Look high ! ( the honorary Etonian seemed to be indicating) and gasp at this high-rise feat of intellectual daring. The detached proprietor who does not interfere with editorial policy !!!!

    No such possibilities , of course, existed / exist / ever will exist on bottom of the league Liffeyside: no Belvo boy worth his assault rifle would consider even loading it for the mere Paddy Stinks and Mickey Mudds of CBS schools.

    And though the Cachet in the end, sadly, turned into, erm, No Cash, hey, the journey was all.

    Let the last letters be with the Percy of the French clan. Percy, of course had a phenomenal Gallic-like gift of foreseeing the future and retelling it in the form of the whimsical comic song. Take the two topics raised above:

    -Middle East / Russian relations. Check out Abdul Abulbul Amir v Ivan Skavinsky Svar (pronounced like a sneeze).

    -Nornevrland / South via Rush, Co. Dublin relations. Check out Mc Brien’s Heifer v Simon Heffer.

    It will probably come down in the end to the ref’s decision, he being The Out on his Eoghan F and EFFER.

    Le cheile anois / All together now:

    –Now, there’re no denying Ruthie is remarkably purty
    Though one can’t say the same for Sime
    But still there’s not the differ of the price of a heifer
    Between the pretty ghastly and the plain – no available, non-actionable rhyme.

    One’s inner wardrobe mistress, EB, is firmly of the opinion that a well-preserved vintage suit of Edwardian duds would look immeasurably better on Mr. Heffer than the soiled Philip Marlowe cast off, left out in the rain raincoat which seems to be wearing him (down) in the photograph.