Even when deposed and cast from her throne the Mad Queen of Norneverland continued to rant to her ex-courtiers that none of it was her fault.some of them gathered in fear to comfort her but it was to no avail because they had already also quaffed down the same hallucinogenic venom that a dastardly spy had spiked all their afternoon tea with.

“What do you mean we are out of a job?” they howled in unison.”You told us we had jobs for life!” They were by this point as mad as a box of hungry stoats and they dearly needed something to bite on. Some ground their teeth to stumps but Lord Gregory Brokenmouth was already sharpening his own depleted stumps on one of the chair-legs, while picking splinters from his bleeding gums.iI wouldn’t be long before they resorted to their cannibalistic tendencies and began to devour their young. Something had to be done before the people turned on the court and consigned each one of them to a slow dive from the turrets to be left floundering in the stink-filled moat. The murky waters were already stained by the yellowish ordure of the more weak-minded vegetarians who had already jumped.

“Corruption! Corruption! Corruption!
What the hell do they mean by corruption? There’s no such thing in Norneverland politics .This is how it’s always been done .Those on top of the pile get to dip their beaks ,first .That’s the natural order of things ….always has been!! We did it for fifty years before those wretches started marching on the streets and shouting to the high stars about civil rights and all that bloody claptrap!! .Jeeeezis they turned it into a bloody war eventually but I thought we had cooled it all down again and fobbed the buggers off.!!!Can’t they see that this is how it’s meant to be? We were bred to rule the roost over those ingrates.What other natural way could there possibly be? ” squealed the queen , tearing a wadge of hair from Broken mouth as she whirled to face the leaded window.

There was much screaming, echoing to the high -arched ceilings of the hall. Hollow strangled shrieks were bouncing like bat squeaks or the sour, broken Durante trills of the cawing, captive ravens.The ravens were also feeling the sting of inactivity and ached for the freedom of the skies. There ‘d be no more messages for them to carry for the forseeable future though.Like everyone else, they had found themselves unemployed. They cawed for food now.
“it was that bloody Good Friday Agreement that put us into this position .All that talk about sharing power with these black, grimy plebians and allowing them to make decisions.It’s bloody ridiculous….unheard of!! How was that ever going to work?They’d no sooner be into the palace than every racket and scandal we ever got up to would be uncovered sooner or later!”
“What’s this Good Friday Agreement? ” , ventured the deposed queen , turning to stare at her courtier with a scrotum – shrivelling set to her blank, dead gaze.
“Well….. that Agreement was cobbled together with the help of Westminster and those southern Irish republican ministers ….i think that the Americans might’ve had a hand in it too and maybe even that damnable EU .It’s a whole lot of old tosh about”parity of esteem” and “equality” and other bits of drivel like that .It was of no real consequence at all”, ventured the underling.
“What!!!?” screamed the mad queen .””Have any of the rest of you ever heard this nonsense before? Who agreed to this imfamy? How long has this been going on?”
“What!!!!!!!!!!!!????????….You say……. Twenty years?!!!!!!”Did you just say twenty years?!!! Take that fool to the cells “,screamed the queen.
“Why did no one tell me about this nonsense before?”
“Well …..we thought it didn’t really matter.It never mattered before!” mumbled the assorted bootlickers, as one, their heads bowed in supplication.

“Get me a quill and parchment , immediately , you daft , foolish slackers…I’m going to write a new proclamation …and it’ll be made law .You mark my words.” ..the queen screamed at the blank wall.
When the servant arrived back with the necessary accoutrements of sealing wax, vellum, ink , powder and the rest ,she quickly dipped the quill into the crimson ink and began with a flourish to scratch out yet another edict as they watched uncomfortably from the side.

“It is clear that the plebians’ actions are not principled, they are political. they have been designed to overthrow the throne……”

“Let me make it clear Queen Arlene will always defend her subjects and stand up for what is best for Norneverland and it appears from the Deputy First Minister’s resignation letter that is what annoys you ungrateful plebs the most.We will not allow your bloody equality agenda .how could I rule under such circumstances?.”
At the door the orderly quietly slipped the teatime tray of soft comestibles throught tha narrow hatch at the bottom , while sliding the latch back in one smooth, well-oiled motion.He did not bother unlocking it. It was obvious that the drug was alreading having an effect.Maybe he’d have a quieter night tonight….


  1. Jude Collins January 11, 2017 at 11:30 am #

    Harry, you’re the original geg…Loved it

    • paddykool January 11, 2017 at 11:53 am #

      The very industry of Human Happiness , Jude…ha ha!

  2. paddy maguire January 11, 2017 at 11:41 am #

    Always top of the heap for housing, jobs, distributing the favours, filling the back pocket.

  3. fiosrach January 11, 2017 at 12:15 pm #

    As Eolach said on another thread, this boils down to racism and stretches back to the Plantation and beyond. If any of you remember when this was a great wee country but ‘they’ wouldn’t leave it alone. When the Hibs and the Orangemen interchanged Lambeg drums and Catholic farmers tended their Protestant neighbours’ farms on the twelfth and everybody treated each other decently. Even Seamus, the good old dependable farm labourer was allowed to sit at the dinner table and good humouredly tolerated the jokes with a jeg. But behind it all we were taigs and knew our place.As long as we kept our heads down and placidly took the oath to the German Queen we got good jobs digging ditches. We tolerated the blatant racism of the DUP and the latent racism of the UUP but now is our chance.

  4. michael c January 11, 2017 at 1:19 pm #

    Seamus might have even called himself James to get the job!

  5. fiosrach January 11, 2017 at 1:24 pm #

    Well, he may have been called Seamus but the official regulations forbade his parents from registering his name in Gaelic. Even now the registrar can’t cope with an accent in a name.

  6. Michael January 11, 2017 at 1:33 pm #

    Arlene Foster will stand up for what’s best for the people of NI….

    Well apart from….
    Irish language speakers and learners,
    LGBT community,
    Ethnic minorities,
    The majority of the population that voted to remain,
    Women seeking access to abortions

  7. Hugh Britton January 11, 2017 at 1:40 pm #

    Brilliant article Harry! Ironically it’s all sadly true. But Martin McGuinness has opened the door and the rank odour of sectarianism seems to have diminished but not disappeared.
    Opportunity now for Republicans and Nationalists of all shades green to unite and finally confine all bigots that have blighted Ireland for centuries to the history books. To achieve this an electoral agreement must be reached.
    When I was a child there were ‘British colonies ‘ known as S.Africa and Rhodesia which somewhat enjoyed their ‘white superior British way’ of life by cruel unjust exploitation of the people. To ensure this way of life was protected, policies of apartheid, racism and genocide were the order of the day. They are now swept away forever. Does any of this sound familiar?
    Fair and honourable citizens in NI. those of all religions and none, now have that opportunity to change the course of history in the failed artifical state of Northern Ireland.
    Things have already started to change with Brexit and the real possibility of an Independent Scotland

    I want to be part of this historical change, so I will be supporting Martin McGuinness and Sinn Fain. That’s my view what is yours?

  8. RJC January 11, 2017 at 1:53 pm #

    Should there be an election and whatever the outcome, I don’t think Sinn Féin should enter any sort of administration with the DUP ever again. The DUP aren’t suddenly going to change. Bigotry and sectarianism are their raisons d’être. Their dishonesty and incompetence are just an added bonus. The are entirely unfit to govern.

    I still think we should be permitted to see the names of all those who availed of the RHI scheme, particularly during the period before it closed when there was a large spike in applications. The result of a few well timed phone calls to friends, family and DUP donors I wonder? Get to the bottom of that, and we may well begin the process of ridding ourselves of the DUP for good. Nothing lasts forever.

    • paddykool January 11, 2017 at 3:21 pm #

      I’m inclined to agree with you RJC. I think this is not just a little blip in the game.This is the game actually played to its conclusion.It couldn’t end in any other way but had to be tested and tested again to make sure .We know that the DUP and unionism’s majority did not want to share power . They didn’t want it fifty, forty, thirty years ago and they still do not want it now. That’s a plain as water….no contest.
      It was tested ….jeezis was it ever tested? Nationalism ate some shit ,prostrating themselves at every turn and at every scandal ,until inthe personage of Arlene the DuP was eventually foxed into a corner of its own making. She made it very clear who she thought was really in charge of Norneverland affairs and ….well ….if that was the case , she was in charge of this £480 million scandal too. No argument there , then , so why do what anyone in a similar position would and step aside and allow an inquiry?
      There was much talk about a” Trojan horse” agenda which would bring the stinking boil to the point of lancing, but it didn’t really matter about killing the disease with kindness,after all , because eventually the accumulation of spite, bigotry, unkindness and pure unadulterated stupidity and arrogance would do it all by itself…as it eventually did.
      So who would even want to go into a shared government with these idiotic political criminals ? …not me anyway.I really don’t want them near the levers of power and I don’t want to pay them a wage at all. I hope that there are many more like me who have had enough of their stupidity over the years and realise that if they even ran a sweetshop like this they would never leave the courts.
      What to do with the political system ? Before anything begins again we need a new agreement and it would need to be so carefully written that it would disallow anyone from politics at their first mistake.As far as racism and bigotry go , the DUP would be non-starters. That would mean Arlene would be gone already for either stupidity or corruption and many more would follow.

  9. RJC January 11, 2017 at 4:03 pm #

    A new agreement allowing for joint rule from Dublin and London seems the only option if the DUP are returned as largest Unionist party. Enough is enough. Irish nationalists have bent over backwards to try to work with and accommodate these people, and have been slapped in the face every time. Nothing is every going to change in that regard. Every tattered flag I see hanging limply from a lampost only serves to remind me that we’re still second class citizens here.

    Fill Stormont with a load of civil servants appointed by the Dáil and Westminster to jointly run the place. Unionism should never be allowed near any sort of power here again. They have proven time and again over the past 100 years that they are incapable of honest, fair and competent governance. No more chances.

    I suspect that civil servants from Dublin and London should be able to work well together, unencumbered as they are by the tribal divisions of the north. Power sharing is played out, joint rule is the next step forward and then the gradual dissolution of this sorry state can finally begin.

    • paddykool January 11, 2017 at 4:49 pm #

      The real problem with “Joint Rule” is both the current legality and the costing of it . It would have to be approved by law I’d imagine . The fact that the UK /Westminster are the ones sending us all that lovely money that we are burning up the chimeys is part of it .They are paying the piper at this moment so they want to call all the tunes. Now if the Southern Government decided to ante- up some dosh and pay part of the bill , i think we might be onto something .I’d go for that too.
      .It will also get more complicated when we are out of the EU and Dublin is still in. I think we are in for a long cooling- off period instead to allow everyone to have a long think about the kind of future they really want for their children and grandchildren. That’ll probably be a period of fraught Direct Rule from London for some years where our Mr Brokenshire will earn his keep , but …hey we’ve done that before and we can do it again for a while .Every time we all do it there’s a small , if slight ,improvement. What happens if in that period of instability the guns are again brought out by the crazies in unionism or the equally crazily impatient on the side of nationalism and the murdering starts again?No one wants to talk about that possibility, but it can be cycylical here because unionism never appears to learn any lessons from past behaviour ,even as they grow smaller and more bitter. The DUP haven’t exactly tried to build any bridges with nationalism and instead have spent their political time these past years ,salting the ground with hatred instead, so they have n’t made too many new friends in the nationalist community in this past twenty years. They haven’t shown nationalism that theirs is a better way. In fact they’ve shown just how poisonously arrogant and power-hungry they really are.I would be inclined not to give them any power at all , even if that means being powerless least I wouldn’t have to pay for their nonsense then and by the time they settle down to their fate the world will have turned one more time..

    • jessica January 11, 2017 at 6:46 pm #


      I guess unionists could well be facing a dilemma this time out.

      If the DUP are returned as the largest party, the status quo will be returned and Stormont wont come up again.
      Both Sinn Fein and the SDLP have demanded joint rule in those circumstances which I agree with.
      If they don’t fancy that then the alternative could well be a border poll and NI leaving the UK.

      Does this mean a vote for the DUP this time out is a vote for either joint rule or a border poll?

      Interesting too that young Colum is saying the SDLP will not accept tory rule from westminster.

      I am wondering does this mean for example they will be withdrawing their MPs from westminster and refusing to take their seats there, or is it simply electioneering and more opportunistic claptrap.

      • PF January 11, 2017 at 8:10 pm #

        “Does this mean a vote for the DUP this time out is a vote for either joint rule or a border poll?”

        A vote for the DUP was always a vote for something less than the Union.

    • Sherdy January 11, 2017 at 10:09 pm #

      Can you imagine the problems with joint rule when the UK exit the EU and Ireland remains in it.
      Would we be covered by EU or UK laws, or could we pick and mix?
      Now that would be interesting!

  10. jessica January 11, 2017 at 8:22 pm #

    Well, it was about keeping Martin McGuinness from being first minister last time out.
    Hard to see what they are going to sell this one as.

    You were right about unionism having good people as well as those controlled by fear.
    And Sinn Fein were right to reach out to them.