This is what the grown ups in Norneverland do every Summer.The tribes who adhere to the Worshipful Cult of Bonfire Builders begin by stealing wooden pallets and old rubber tyres so that they will be in readiness to build competing towers of tinder ,which they will set alight at a given time to worship Horus the Sun God. The various tribes involved in the cult will compete to glorify the giver of all things ,lest the sun might not rise in the morning and Norneverland might be consigned to a perpetual Winter and crops might not grow and honeybees might never awaken again from their torpor to pollinate those crops.All life might end.
This Summer a branch of a government sponsored gangster consortium known as the UDA , led by a notorious paramilitary godfather called Dee Stitt ,stole 2,300 wooden pallets which were being stored secretly for another branch of the same consortium by Belfast City council.The government already supports Mr Stitt’s gangsters and the public funds them to the tune of £millions through an organisation called Charter NI(Norneverland), so they are well thought of in government circles. These stolen pallets from the Belfast Council’s store were then built into a huge bonfire at Bangor’s Kilcooley estate,near Belfast, making it even bigger than they are usually able to build it. This pleased Mr Stitt greatly ,who measured his ego by such displays.You’ll understand that in the grand scheme of things that there are only enough wooden pallets available to be stolen at any one time ,so the size of bonfires is dependant on the crop to be fetched every Summer, in time for the ceremony.It’s all about supply and demand.It has been scientifically proven that any bonfire might never exceed a given height for this very reason . There would simply never be enough pallets in existence to build them any higher .It is simply impossible to make them any bigger for reasons of physics and gravity and if they could, it might mean that the builders would need breathing apparatus ,much as mountaineers might to ascend to their apex in outer space……
It’s unimaginable that an insect might ever grow bigger than a certain size lest gravity collapse its exo-skeleton, no matter what science -fiction and “b2 movies might say..These are the simple facts of life and logic in Norneverland and on the earth ,generally .These pallets were stolen using a magic flat-bed lorry, especially designed for stealing pallets each Summertime. No one knows where it comes from ,who owns it, what colour or make it is ….. but it comes.The real problems began to arise when it was discovered that the Belfast City council was paying to store some 2000 stolen pallets for a rival south and east Belfast UDA gangster gang who wanted to build their very own sun- tower.They had been mysteriously lifted from a site in Chobham Street in east Belfast and were to be returned, cost -free and without any storage charges ,when they were later required.
Mr Stitt was embarrassed at this bit of foolishness by his men, basically stealing pallets from a rival group who had already stolen them for themselves…. but his new towering pyre looked so beautiful that he was loathe to dismantle it and he didn’t want to lose face by giving the pallets back to the Belfast Council or the Clobham Street or Sandy Row loyalists, either. There was no doubt about it ,pallets had to be burned as part of the ceremony. What to do ,though? Like I remarked earlier, an immutable Law of Norneverland is that there are only ever a finite number of pallets to go around the members of the Sun Cult and his act of felony had upset the entire balance of the natural world and the scheme of things.In fact it made a bit of a fuss in the local media.The Belfast City council had apparently acted in secret and had told no one about their arrangements. For some reason they felt that it should be kept secret even though everyone was paying for it..
The first thing to do for Mr Stitt was to lie through his teeth that he had anything to do with the theft of any pallets .That tactic usually worked for politicians in Norneverland, so why not give it a try?. The normal laws of nature and discourse do not attend in this fairytale kingdom and the politics are akin to those of the Mad Queen’s in “Alice Through The Looking Glass”. Mr Stitt did not want to deplete his power by building a smaller bonfire…or worse still , dismantling the one already built .That would be like saying outright that his penis was too small, which is how these cultists measure themselves.Vanity dictated that he would have to steal pallets elsewhere to make up for the loss and deliver them back to Belfast City Council.His gangsters made a start with 300 pallets ,but then the supply appears to have dwindled to somewhere around zero.At such short notice an order of 2000 stolen pallets was a very tall order, but he had knocked a few noses out of joint among other similarly inclined cultists… and loyalist fueds between UDA members have started over a whole lot less in the past.Indeed, such mishaps have often led to outright murder on the streets of Norneverland. In Bangor, according the local Belfast newspaper “Belfast Telegraph”, it has been quoted :
“The men aren’t happy, and neither is Jimmy Birch (east Belfast UDA leader), who Stitt has made a fool out of again.It’s 10 days until the bonfires are lit, where are we going to find another 2,000 pallets to give to Chobham Street and Sandy Row?The only way we could do it is to rob someone else’s bonfire. We’ve better things to be doing than running around stealing pallets.Stitt should just pull down the Kilcooley bonfire, hand the pallets back and rebuild it, but his ego is so big he won’t do it.”
Something like that dilemma that these grown men faced might bring tears from a stone, wouldn’t you think?They’d lived with this fear of this emasculation and the even greater fear of an irate weather god such as Horus, for so long ,that they’d lost all form and manner of perspective.There is no doubt that the various cult members will somehow resolve this situation in time for the appointed day and sate the Sun God’s appetite before we all wither in an everlasting Winter, but the local council might yet have some questions to answer for all those unbelievers who do not support paying for such arcane notions.

20 Responses to THE CULT OF THE SUN GOD

  1. Korhomme July 6, 2017 at 6:13 pm #

    Why did you omit a reference to Priapus and phallic symbolism?

    • paddykool July 6, 2017 at 6:23 pm #

      Well Korhomme, that can only be because I am so busy at the moment with a slew of other projects on hand ….Ask Jude! He knows….

  2. ben madigan July 6, 2017 at 8:19 pm #

    korhomme – i think the bonfire worshippers will have “nathin ta do wif yon heathen papish simbol fram pompei”,_between_89_BC_and_79_AD,_Naples_National_Archaeological_Museum_(15554427720).jpg

    • James July 6, 2017 at 8:56 pm #

      Ben, why do I get the feeling that the following from you is in Ulster Scots, otherwise known as ‘Ullans’: “nathin ta do wif yon heathen papish simbol fram pompei”. Any chance you would be able to translate it into English, or better still Gaeilge?

  3. giordanobruno July 6, 2017 at 9:13 pm #

    As you probably know the perhaps better known version of the Sun God was RA.
    Should we expect to see any bonfires with ‘Praise the RA’ on them in the near future?

    • paddykool July 6, 2017 at 10:46 pm #

      Good one, gio. all the god worriers together…that’ll probably come next….

  4. Sherdy July 6, 2017 at 9:15 pm #

    Every year we are told that these ludicrous bonfires are part of loyalist culture, but now it seems that they are vanity projects for UDA bosses, and maybe in other areas, for UVF bosses.
    Surely the fact that they are just to boost the egos of killer gang bosses means that they lose any semblance of ‘culture’ that they might have claimed.
    So it is up to government to decide if they want to face down unionist paramilitaries – but then, Theresa May has invited them into 10 Downing Street on the coat tails of the DUP!

    • paddykool July 6, 2017 at 10:48 pm #

      Yes sherdy …they are right there on those green shiny seats at Westminster…all good buddies together…right at the heart of Government…

  5. paddykool July 7, 2017 at 6:57 am #

    Just noticed a howling typo..”.fueds between” … should of course be …”feuds between”…..I use several fingers , but not necessarily in the right order……apologies !

  6. Pip Smith July 7, 2017 at 4:32 pm #

    Regardless of the pallets originally being stolen in the first place, it was a smart move by BCC in trying to keep streets and grounds safe. Stitt should be a man and give them back which is hardly going to happen since hes from Bangor, and you know everyone in Bangor is full of themselves!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • paddykool July 7, 2017 at 5:24 pm #

      Storing stolen goods with taxpayers money doesn’t actually sit too well with me ,Pip….but then again , it is a land of fantasy and knuckleheadedness. I see some genius( or should that be geniie?) has built one of these towers beside a petrol station. That’ll surely provide some fireworks on the night alright.

      • Pip Smith July 8, 2017 at 10:21 pm #

        This is all about the YCV and UVF flag outside the station, they don’t take it down then we attack the bonie. I used to build the bonfire when I lived round there, I guess if that one is banned then can always park it some where on the Holywood road. Still don’t know why you dickheads are attacking a bonie a mile and a half from IRA heartland Short Strand, why not attack the Shankill bonie close to Falls or the Pitt Park bonie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Since the Council tidy up housing executive areas, will there be a sectarian bonfire in your areas next month….. Of course there is!

        Another thing, why was my 2nd Cousin put on a life support machine in the Markets. As my granda put it, his Roman Catholic mate gave him up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Twinbrook lad July 7, 2017 at 10:29 pm #

    On another note I failed to carry my camera on my work travels in newtownards where they have managed to build their considerable fire right opposite, the local fire station. You honestly couldn’t make it up

    • Pip Smith July 8, 2017 at 10:23 pm #

      I suppose you’ll try n get it taken down, how far is ards away from twinbrook………….20 miles???????????

  8. ANOTHER JUDE July 8, 2017 at 5:13 am #

    Brilliant piece of commentary Harry. This little statelet gets more and more like that village in the seventies film The Wicker Man. Paganism mixed with superstition. You really couldn’t make it up.

    • paddykool July 8, 2017 at 8:34 am #

      Thanks AJ…As you know by now , you don’t have to make anything up here at all.Have you noticed what’s happening in the news this past week? Without politics the news stations are scrambling around for something as lead news story. We are back in Wicker Man territory alright. next there’ll be talk of witches’ covens and the statues might even begin to move again.

      • Pip Smith July 8, 2017 at 10:25 pm #

        Yous attack the bonfires and we’ll burn your bonfires early in short strand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

        • paddykool July 9, 2017 at 11:17 am #

          What bonfires? ….Whose bonfires, Pip?Not everyone’s worldview revolves around lighting big fires.It’s only the Sun God worshippers who want to do these things. The remainder of civilisation has to sit back and watch these weird practices and pay for the pleasure of hoping that the fire services can keep the bloody things under control before some real damage is done..It is viewed as a sort of seasonal madness and now it appears that behind the worshipful practice it’s all really about gangsters comparing the sizes of their dicks .If they want to build them on public property, then someone needs to be responsible for all of that ….and the insurance involved , plus the clean-up and re-build after the event.

          • Pip Smith July 9, 2017 at 8:22 pm #

            Why do you spastics light fires on the 15th?????????

          • paddykool July 10, 2017 at 3:45 pm #

            I feel you need to have a little word with Blogmeister Jude with reference to your loose usage of the Latin/Greek derived language ,Mr Pip. Who or what are these “you spastics” you refer to in your little diatribe and are they palsied Norneverlanders part of the same sun -god cult which the article refers to?