A: I hear much talk of Patrick O’Donovan. Is he a new Irish snooker star?
B: No. Patrick is a Fine Gael TD and the new junior Minister at the Department of Finance.
A: That’s nice. Does he get to roll naked in a bath full of €100 notes?
B: Not as far as I’m aware. But he does get to give his view on things.
A: Such as?
B: How “ordinary, decent Fianna Fail voters” are feeling.
A: Clever. Lets him imply that there are extraordinarily indecent Fianna Fail voters.
A: What does he say about these ordinary decent crim – sorry, Fianna Fail voters?
B: It’s to do with what Patrick sees as a “rush” to “find Sinn Féin respectable.”
A: Ah. So it’s the Shinners who are indecent.
B: Pretty much.
A: Has Patrick anything more to say about them?
B: A fair bit. He says they go in for “back of the fag box economics” and is associated with those who have “blown children to smithereens”.
A: Wow. Financial illiterates and military psychopaths. You can see why Patrick is concerned. Does he elaborate on these charges?
B: Not really. But he says Sinn Féin must “deal with issues from the past” before they can be considered for coalition by Fianna Fail.
A: I thought you said Patrick was Fine Gael.
B: He is.
A: This thing about children blown to smithereens – does he mention which children he has in mind?
B: He does. He speaks of these “innocent children” being slaughtered “in the likes of the Dublin-Monaghan bombings. That was not done in my name or in the name of any right-minded person.”
A: Hold on. The Dublin-Monaghan bombings?
A: But those were carried out by loyalist paramilitaries, weren’t they? With a bit of help from their chums in the British armed forces.
B: That’s a widely accepted belief.
A: But one not shared by Patrick.
B: It would appear not.
A: Anything else?
B: Patrick says his support of Denmark’s move to reform doping rules in athletics drew a lot of abuse on social media.
A: And Patrick’s response to that?
B: “I was blown away” he says.
A: Do you know what that means?
A: And finally?
B: Finally, Patrick says he likes to think with his stomach.
A: A greedy person, then. A self-confessed obese.
B: I don’t think so.
A: Why not?
B: Patrick is describing how he believes decisions should be made. “If your gut tells you reform is upsetting them, it’s probably the right thing to do.”
A: So Patrick consults his gut and then does the right thing.
A: Any more on that fag-box economics?
B: Not that I’ve heard of.
A: Is Patrick ambitious to climb the greasy Fine Gael pole?
B: That’s a question no right-thinking person should answer.