Six things every fire-worshipper should keep in mind




  1. Control your pyro urges and try to struggle against premature incineration. Every year we see bonfires that just can’t hold back and shoot their contents into the sky in helpless flames. This can be disappointing for other parties. Hold back until tonight.
  2. Make sure you’ve got the grant before you stick up the UDA, UFF and UVF flags (strictly historical, this last one). You know that you’ll get the money anyway but you don’t want to make it too obvious.
  3. The same applies to election posters of Sinn Féin politicians, pretend coffins of Martin McGuinness, statues of Mary, foreign flags. Of course you’ll put them up before lighting, but there are some treacherous journalists would think nothing of photographing them on the boney and then claiming you’d done something wrong.
  4. It’s natural to want to sing songs like “No Surrender to the IRA” and ‘Fuck the Pope, He’s A Right Argentine Slabber’, but make sure you’ve broken the phone, tape-recorders and cameras of any journalists first. If you don’t they’ll take pictures and make recordings and misrepresent our culture.
  5. Remember if you’re asked, say that you’re here to join in a community activity that you’ve enjoyed all your life. Keep the can of lager behind your back until the interview is over. Watch your grammar – don’t say “We’re not getting’ nathin’ and them ‘uns is getting’ everything” – say “We’re getting fuckin’ nathin and those ‘uns is getting’ far too fuckin’ much”. That way they won’t be able to say we’re uneducated and intestate.
  6. The minute the final whistle goes after England beats the shite out of Croatia, get up to the boney. It’s natural to want to stay on and watch them Croatians crying (they’re all taigs , you know) at the end of the match, but we want every man, woman and child up at that bonfire so we can say it was a family affair, a cultural occasion and a tradition we have always maintained.

God, I love this time of year. Where else would you get it?

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