Micheál and Leo in a pickle

Micheál:  Get into the car.

Leo:  What? Into –

Micheál: Get into the shaggin’ car, Leo!

Leo: But why?

Micheál: Because it has dark windows and no one will see us.

Leo:Oh, OK. But what’s that tube attached to the exhaust –

Micheál: Get in and shut up, you smarmy git!

Leo: [Gets in and closes the door] All right, I’m in.

Micheál: Have you seen them? The polls?

Leo: Poles? Which ones? As the son of immigrants myself, I have no problem with P-

Micheál: Where did they find you? I mean the polls, the opinion polls! Showing us at 20% and you  lot even lower.

Leo: An opinion poll is only a snapshot in time. The only real poll that matters is on election day.

Micheál: Yeah, and that worked out great, didn’t it? But THIS! [Buries his head in his hands]  You’re at 18%, we’re at 20%, the damned Shinners are at 35%!

Leo: An opinion poll is only a snapshot in time. The o-

Micheál:  Stop saying that! What in God’s name are we to do?

Leo: Easy. We’re going into opposition, you form a coalition with your Republican chums.

Micheál:  But I cut the tripe out of the Shinners in the Dáil, all that about the shadowy people, hint, hint, abnormal party, hint hint…Maybe if we gave them money.

Leo: Money?

Micheál:  You’ve got tons of the stuff. Your minister of finance could syphon off  say €1 billion, give it to them in a brown envelope, tell them to shag off. Everybody has their price.

Leo: Well first of all my Minister of Finance wouldn’t do it  –

Micheál:  Too honourable?

Leo :  Too afraid. And second of all, you lot used up all the brown envelopes available. I’ve told you – we go into opposition, you go into government with the Shinners.

Micheál: But I’ve burnt that boat!  I as good as accused Mary Lou of being a pistol-packing momma!  You go into government  with them – say it’s for the good of the country. You didn’t burn the Fine Gael boats the way I burnt the Fianna Fail ones.

Fine Gael: I have committed my party to not working in government with Sinn Féin. We  in Fine Gael keep our word.

Micheál:  My God you’re dumb. Do you realize what that means? We’ll be driven to another election. And with that poll showing the Shinners on 35% and us on 20% –

Leo: A poll is just a snapshot in time. The only poll that really matters –

Micheál: {emits a strangled cry and starts the car, revving its engine] Oh God. It’s hopeless. It’s like talking to a male mannequin.  Goodbye, cruel world.  Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having –

Leo: What are you doing?

Micheál:  Ending it all and saying my prayers. No, don’t try to get out, I’ve locked the doors, Leo. Goodbye, cruel world.  They said I’d either be Taoiseach or toast, and I can smell burning.

Leo: Stop!  Have you no morals, man? You may want to die but I don’t.

Micheál: Ye didn’t give the lads in Ballyseedy a choice and I’m giving you no choice. The Shinners will screw up in government and history will vindicate me.

Leo: [panting and coughing, produces his phone and dials] Hello, Matt! Matt!!  Come quick – I’m trapped with a death-wish madman! What? I should form a coalition with Fianna Fail? I’d rather be dead [slumps in his seat]

Comments are closed.