Micheál: Get into the car.
Leo: What? Into –
Micheál: Get into the shaggin’ car, Leo!
Leo: But why?
Micheál: Because it has dark windows and no one will see us.
Leo:Oh, OK. But what’s that tube attached to the exhaust –
Micheál: Get in and shut up, you smarmy git!
Leo: [Gets in and closes the door] All right, I’m in.
Micheál: Have you seen them? The polls?
Leo: Poles? Which ones? As the son of immigrants myself, I have no problem with P-
Micheál: Where did they find you? I mean the polls, the opinion polls! Showing us at 20% and you lot even lower.
Leo: An opinion poll is only a snapshot in time. The only real poll that matters is on election day.
Micheál: Yeah, and that worked out great, didn’t it? But THIS! [Buries his head in his hands] You’re at 18%, we’re at 20%, the damned Shinners are at 35%!
Leo: An opinion poll is only a snapshot in time. The o-
Micheál: Stop saying that! What in God’s name are we to do?
Leo: Easy. We’re going into opposition, you form a coalition with your Republican chums.
Micheál: But I cut the tripe out of the Shinners in the Dáil, all that about the shadowy people, hint, hint, abnormal party, hint hint…Maybe if we gave them money.
Leo: Money?
Micheál: You’ve got tons of the stuff. Your minister of finance could syphon off say €1 billion, give it to them in a brown envelope, tell them to shag off. Everybody has their price.
Leo: Well first of all my Minister of Finance wouldn’t do it –
Micheál: Too honourable?
Leo : Too afraid. And second of all, you lot used up all the brown envelopes available. I’ve told you – we go into opposition, you go into government with the Shinners.
Micheál: But I’ve burnt that boat! I as good as accused Mary Lou of being a pistol-packing momma! You go into government with them – say it’s for the good of the country. You didn’t burn the Fine Gael boats the way I burnt the Fianna Fail ones.
Fine Gael: I have committed my party to not working in government with Sinn Féin. We in Fine Gael keep our word.
Micheál: My God you’re dumb. Do you realize what that means? We’ll be driven to another election. And with that poll showing the Shinners on 35% and us on 20% –
Leo: A poll is just a snapshot in time. The only poll that really matters –
Micheál: {emits a strangled cry and starts the car, revving its engine] Oh God. It’s hopeless. It’s like talking to a male mannequin. Goodbye, cruel world. Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having –
Leo: What are you doing?
Micheál: Ending it all and saying my prayers. No, don’t try to get out, I’ve locked the doors, Leo. Goodbye, cruel world. They said I’d either be Taoiseach or toast, and I can smell burning.
Leo: Stop! Have you no morals, man? You may want to die but I don’t.
Micheál: Ye didn’t give the lads in Ballyseedy a choice and I’m giving you no choice. The Shinners will screw up in government and history will vindicate me.
Leo: [panting and coughing, produces his phone and dials] Hello, Matt! Matt!! Come quick – I’m trapped with a death-wish madman! What? I should form a coalition with Fianna Fail? I’d rather be dead [slumps in his seat]
Comments are closed.