Micheál Martin and how to achieve Brain Bilocation

Here’s a short excerpt from the Irish Times website today:

“Events such as a new exhibition and book telling the story of nine men who lasted 94 days on hunger strike during the War of Independence can guide future generations on conflicts, according to Taoiseach Micheál Martin.

Speaking prior to a visit to the new exhibition at Cork Public Museum, Mr Martin said he hoped events from the Decade of Commemoration would provide fresh insights and understanding for young people on how independence was achieved almost 100 years ago.”

This is an example of the theory of Brain Bilocation, which in recent years has been adopted by the Fianna Fáil party. That’s because Fianna Fáil has slowly remembered that it is FF- The Republican Party. As a Republican Party – sorry, THE Republican Party – Fianna Fáil has to express admiration for and gratitude to those republicans who achieved freedom for twenty-six of Ireland’s thirty-two counties. On the other hand, as THE Republican Party, it must make it clear it despises and renounces those so-called republicans who failed to achieve freedom for the remaining six counties in the course of the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s.

This is where Brain Bilocation comes in. The part of Micheál Martin’s brain that is full of admiration for and gratitude to the republicans of one hundred years ago has learnt to  act independently of the part of Mr Martin’s brain that has nothing but contempt for the blood-thirsty fanatics who killed people in the more recent Troubles and ten of whom went on a hunger strike that ended in their deaths.

The trouble is, not everyone has the suppleness of brain bilocation with which Mr Martin is gifted. Young people attending the exhibition Mr Martin speaks of, or reading the book he commends, may wonder why the hunger strike a hundred years ago was a heroic self-sacrifice while the hunger strike in more recent times was an act of self-delusion and self-harm. Likewise, young people may not be able to take their heads to a place where they discover that the twenty-six counties were carried to freedom through the barrel of a gun and we must honour those wielding the guns for their courage, while the six counties use of guns by republicans was an act of criminal barbarity and must be condemned.

I’m afraid Mr Martin’s words may put unnecessary pressure on the south’s hard-pressed health system, with increasing numbers of young people staggering into A  & E, clutching their heads and muttering “My brain hurts”.

It is only fair to call on Mr Martin at this point to explain how he actually does his Brain Bilocation trick, so that young people may learn from him and avoid hospitalisation. The pandemic may rage through the twenty-six county state of which Mr Martin is rightly proud, the post-Brexit economy may churn and thud and implode, but at least young people will have developed brains that can accommodate contradictory political thought, keep their owners out of hospital and leave them free to live lives that are as happy and informed as that of the present Fianna Fáil leader.

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