Boris Johnson: UK champion

Does Boris Johnson assume that everyone else is an idiot? A quick glance through his Cabinet might suggest he would be right to make such an assumption, although you’d have to add ‘devious’ to ‘idiot’ in several cases.

An example. Johnson is in serious difficulties at home – no, not in his house, at least as far as we know, but in the House of Commons. He’s been found to have lied, he has broken the rules he himself set up, and several members of the public have spoken of their pain in not being able to visit a dying relative while Johnson partied at No 10 Downing Street.

So – having briefly blustered, Johnson has now made the classic move of a PM in trouble – he’s gone abroad. In Thatcher’s case back in the day, ‘abroad’ would have meant going to the Malvinas, which would have been altogether too far, so she settled for cheering on her brave boys as they sailed off in their warships. A couple of weeks and a few hundred dead Argies later, Thatcher soars up the popularity poll again.

However, Kiev is a bit nearer than the Malvinas, so Johnson has chosen to actually go there. Twice. When he got there, he persuaded the  Ukrainian PM to say what a good and loyal ally he is, and how he had kindly agreed to train Ukrainian troops by the tens of thousands. Train to do what, you ask, Virginia? Er um, to kill people.

But however good your overseas distraction, it’s always good to have a spare. And so we have the pesky protocol. How can people see the protocol as anything but an effort by the EU to literally divide the UK? Yes, Johnson may have in a moment of weakness signed up for the protocol, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t an existential threat to the existence of the UK. Of course it is, and we really can’t have these damned EU people trying to blackmail us and put borders between different parts of the UK.

Have you spotted the pattern yet? Find an enemy, preferably far away but if needs be just down the road. Find a reason for being terribly irate with this enemy, and emphasise how it’s a threat to the very notion of Britishness. Keep hammering that into the thick heads of the great British public, and you’ll find they soon ask “What party?” if some ass of a reporter brings up the subject.

And so, with one swift bound, our hero is free again, outfoxing Britain’s enemies, frustrating their nasty continental plans, doing us down at every turn with their damned  euro and their complicated forms and things to fill in. Business people have more to do than go on filling in form after form. That may be the French way or the Germany way but it’s not the British way. The British way is to brush the crumbs from around  your mouth and say “What cake? I saw no cake!”  Just as I didn’t know that event in Downing Street was a party. There may have been a bit of throwing up and spilled drink, but believe you me, at the Bollinger Club, that’s not what we’d have called a party. Nil desperandum, chaps. We’re much too busy saving the UK to have to spend our time answering silly,silly questions about parties. Don’t you know there’s a war on? And that Putin is Hitler with a huge arsenal of nukes? Just think about that for a minute, will you, and you’ll see how sadly misguided your concerns about parties in No 10 really are.

Mentior ergo sum, and don’t you forget it.

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