Trump and Netenyahu – war criminals but for God’s sake don’t tell eiether I said that. They might bomb my house

In most geopolitical soap operas, the script is simple. One side denies talks. The other side insists talks are happening and going tremendously well. The audience — that’s us — clutches popcorn while oil prices twitch like a caffeinated meerkat.

Right now the surreal twist is this: Iran says there are no negotiations whatsoever, while Donald Trump keeps announcing that negotiations are “productive,” “detailed,” and presumably just one handshake away from a Nobel Prize. According to Iranian officials, Washington is “negotiating with itself.”

Traditionally, you’d expect the reverse. You’d expect Tehran to hint darkly at secret channels and imminent breakthroughs while the White House pounds the podium and launches “just one more” round of strikes alongside its favourite strategic wingman, Benjamin Netanyahu. Instead we’ve got diplomacy as performance art: one side staging invisible peace talks, the other boycotting its own cameo.

Markets, of course, treat this as actionable intelligence. A rumour of dialogue sends shares bouncing. A denial sends tankers pacing nervously at chokepoints. Somewhere in a trading floor bunker, a quant is building a volatility index based entirely on the president’s adjective selection.

Meanwhile the war itself proceeds with the logic of a demolition derby. Iran threatens shipping lanes and energy flows; the US and Israel threaten infrastructure; everyone threatens credibility. The global economy watches like a homeowner listening to chainsaws in the garden and wondering which tree is about to go.

And the media? Most don’t mention that we’re watching two war criminals – Trump and Netenyahu  – inblood-soaked action. Is Britain’s impartial media impartialling itself into misleading accounts?

This evil pair deserve to be cell-mates in the Hague, but international law appears better at declaring crirminal activity than at following through and arresting the criminals.  Yes, yes, they deserve a trial  – but when a killer does his work on TV night after night,the evidence is pretty damning.