A BIRTHDAY LETTER TO MA’AM

Dear Ma’am (I believe that’s how I should address you, and not as ‘Dear Your Majesty’),

Since today is your birthday (no, don’t tell me about having a second birthday – it’ll just get me confused), could I wish you a fun day and loads more birthdays going forward. You are truly amazing, Ma’am, and I wish I had some of whatever you’re on.

I have heard some people say they think that a hereditary system for Head of State shouldn’t be such a stand-out exception in a democratic state. Might I say, Ma’am, I couldn’t agree more.

How much better it would be if the system for government – say the Prime Minister and his/her Cabinet – were also hereditary? This would save the public purse over ONE HUNDRED MILLION POUNDS every five years! Yes indeed, Ma’am, that’s what elections cost. A hereditary system of government would also mean continuity and tradition, both qualities that we British people value. We’d have the eldest son of David Cameron when David died or retired, and the eldest son of George Osborne, and the eldest son of Jeremy Hunt, and so on. And after they’d done their period in office , their sons would take over, and so the qualities of our nation’s finest families would be available, like you, to serve the public.

This steadiness and commitment to tradition would hold unimaginable benefits for our firmly United Kingdom. No one can look at, for example, Michael Gove, and not think how wonderful it would be if his genes could be harnessed in the cause of the nation. Under my proposal, they would be. And think of the care with which each Cabinet Minister would treat his office, knowing that in time his son would step into his shoes!

Granted, the hereditary system can sometimes run into a bit of a crisis, when the person who is in line to inherit the job is clearly not up to it. But as you have proved so diligently, Ma’am, that too can be overcome. Where next in line is a hopeless poltroon, the present incumbent (indeed, like yourself Ma’am, very like yourself) simply goes on and on, until the bad apple that’s lined up gets so sick of waiting, he wearily hands over the title to the next in line after that. Yes indeed, Ma’am, that’s exactly what is needed in such circumstances – skip a generation!

And might I add, Ma’am, the hereditary system might in time be extended to so many other fields: brain surgery, the military, sport, journalism – the possibilities are endless. So should we, for example, fall ill and be in need of having our head examined, we will know the head is in good hands, old Dr Sawskull will have imparted so much wisdom and experience to the younger Dr Sawskull, it will show in every scalpel slice and electric saw incision. And the same for all professions.

Finally, Ma’am, on behalf of all your loyal subjects throughout Ireland (oh yes, it’s not just Northern Ireland where we grow misty-eyed at the thought of your years of grinding work; so, so many in the Republic of Ireland feel equally faithful to you, but can’t always come out and say it, for fear of Sinn Féin intimidation) may I extend our humble gratitude to you for having lived for ninety years!

Anyway, I’ve detained you long enough, Ma’am. I know how busy you are with the dogs and the horses and all those official papers you have to read. Let me then, before backing out of this letter, wish you and Prince Philip, God bless him, continuing good health and the gratitude of thousands, nay millions like myself, who appreciate so much the decades of grueling service you have given the nation, never for a moment complaining if you find yourself staying in one of your mansions when you might very well have preferred to be staying in another of your mansions. Yes, you have come through periods of stress and difficulty, but let me console your Royal Person with a thought-gift wrapped in a question: Where is Princess Di now?

Words cannot express what I feel towards your Royal Person, Ma’am. I am damp with emotion. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We truly are not worthy.

Your humble subject

Horatio McCustand