Moscow today is a city awash with World Cup rumours. There are claims that Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered his services as motivational coach to the national team, as they face into their big game against Croatia this coming Saturday. President Trump is reported to have phoned his Russian counterpart. “Tell your boys to grab those Croation losers by their jerseys, Vlad – a tight enough grip and they’ll do anything. And have your supporters carry a big banner saying in Croatese ‘We know where your children live’.”
There were other reports, this time from Portugal, claiming Christiano Ronaldo, depressed by the failure of the Portugal team, has taken a hammer to the fifteen statues of himself located outside each of the fifteen bedrooms in his Portugese mansion. The Portugal captain would not respond to these reports, but has denounced as malicious rumours that he also defaced the famous painting of a preening peacock that stands at the entranc to his luxurious home. “I would never do anything harmful to a picture of myself” he told reporters.
But the big story on everyone’s lips here in Moscow today is that the entire England team and its coach have been trapped underground in a remote Russian village, with some murmurings that their Colombian opponents are behind the disappearance. Certainly Gareth Southgate and his boys haven’t been seen since their victory over the mighty Panama last week. When Jose Pekerman the Colombian coach was asked if he knew anything about the whereabouts of his opponents for today’s game, he replied “I have no idea of what you speak about. We can only play team in front of us. If England not in front of us, I think maybe we beat them. Also I no like things England fans say about my name. I say ‘Kiss my ass, English pig-partners.”
More recent reports, still to be substantiated, claim that the England team and their coach have been located but are trapped underground at a remote Russian village. The shivering players and their coach were said to be trapped in an subterranean cave, with the authorities still trying to figure out how to get them to safety and back to Moscow in time for this evening’s game at the Spartak Stadium.
“This rescue is a very challenging operation” Dimitri Havnohoep, the village mayor is quoted as telling reporters. “It may even require that, before they can be rescued and taken to Moscow, the entire England team will have to learn to play football”. In a message from deep underground, Coach Gareth Southgate is reported as saying: “We’re up for the challenge. The England lads are young. This whole tournament has been a learning experience for all of us, including my waistcoat.”
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