There are two ways of looking at Children in Need. One is that it’s the point in the year when people show the better side of their nature and at the same time have loads of fun. Usually serious presenters dress up and act the eejit, the public are shown examples of the unfortunate children that their money will help, and everybody ends up feeling good.
The other way of looking at it is that Children in Need is delusional and misdirects energies which, if pointed in the right direction, would be more likely to really help children in need.
Consider this. Last Friday the Children in Need-ers raised £50.5 million. That’s a lot of money and there’s no doubt it will do a lot of good for a lot of children.
But consider this also. The British government spends £40 billion on Defence each year. Some Tory MPs are unhappy with that, which sounds good, until you find out they’re unhappy because they want to spend an extra £20 billion a year on Defence.
I keep saying ‘Defence’, which would suggest somebody is attacking Britain. Careful consideration of Britain’s military action over the last 70 years will show you that the Ministry of Defence should really be called the Ministry of Attack. Britain has been involved in conflict after conflict since World War II, but always in some country hundreds of miles from Blighty. So who’s doing the defending and who’s doing the attacking?
Over the years 2016-2026, the British government plans to spend public money – your money, my money, the money of all the Children in Need-ers, like this:
Submarines – £44.0bn
Combat Air – £18.0bn
Ships – £19.0bn
Air Support – £16.6bn
Helicopters – £10.6bn
Land Equipment – £19.1bn
Weapons – £13.5bn
Intelligence, Surveillance, Target Acquisition & Reconnaissance – £4.6bn
That’s a lot of money to spend on ways of killing people. But let’s just stick with the annual £40 billion that goes to equip and train young men and women in the art of killing people. This year Children in Need raised £50 million. So British taxpayers fund the killing of people by handing over 800 times as much money as they did last Friday to help Children in Need.
Are the British people mad? If I told you that I took my grand-daughter to the park and bought her a lollipop for £1, you might commend me. If I told you that I then went home and gave a man £800 to go down the street and threaten or if necessary knock hell out of another family, would you still commend me? Or say that I was either a lunatic or someone who happily colluded in violence?
My annual suggestion: next year, let’s have the commanders of the Defence Forces on TV doing daft dances and songs, and from the money sent in by the public fund the Attack forces. Conversely, let the government give Children in Need a cheque for £40billion.
And while we’re waiting, let’s dismember that bloody one-eyed teddy bear, put a stake through his heart and stuff him in the nearest wheelie-bin.
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