Some lively days them, boy! Almost like the old days, when Ireland or its north-eastern corner was hitting the headlines on a regular basis. Now it’s all of Ireland, north and south, and it’s playing merry hell with the Tory party and the DUP.
There are times when I feel (almost) sorry for Arlene. And Nigel. And little Jeffrey. They have been telling the world how good they are as highwaymen. How they’ve put a pistol to Theresa May’s head and forced her to stand and deliver £1 bn. But now it looks as though Theresa has morphed inexplicably into Clint Eastwood and is eyeing her Confidence and Supply partners with the unspoken words “You’ve got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punks?”
The DUP answer has been to dither and mumble and act in a way that we might in other circumstances describe as Jesuitical. “There will be consequences!” Arlene warns. “The Prime Minister doesn’t listen!” Nigel says, looking like a disappointed teacher who just might break into tears. “We’ll vote against this document!” Sammy Wilson declares, making sure not to add “And our Confidence and Supply arrangement with these treacherous Tories is at an end!”
That’s because Sammy and his playmates know, just as the Brexiteers in May’s Cabinet know, this is as good as it gets. It’s not great, but it’s as good as it gets. So even though the DUP has said they’ll vote against Theresa’s bill, like Mr Micawber, they’re still clinging onto the forlorn hope that Something will turn up.
Meanwhile I was waiting for little Jeffrey to yell “Et tu, Brute?” at the representatives of the farming and business community were ranged against him on TV last week. For a long time the Ulster Farmers Union (UFU) have kept their lip zipped on Brexit. It’s been hard. They’ve whispered to the Border Communities Against Brexit “Good on you, lads – keep at it!”, even while maintaining their own not so much dignified as desperate silence. Now, however, the dam has burst. The UFU has told the DUP “Get real”. Farmers are facing the most appalling situation, where EU grants will no longer be rolling in and many farmers look set to lose 60%, even 80% of their income. The business world, less reticent, has for some time been making clear it thinks Brexit is a an invited disaster, and it now has declared that should the DUP go on resisting Theresa May’s agreement with the EU, the DUP will be seriously out of kilter with them.
And Arlene’s response? Does she come out with her hands up and say “You’re right, farming and business people. I’ve never believed in this damned Brexit and yes, we must seize this chance to have the best of both worlds before it’s withdrawn!” Does she? Nah. What she does is tell the business community they’re being political manipulated and haven’t read the document.
It’s near to stomach-clenching hilarious. Arlene is accusing the farmers and the business community – people who are depending on Theresa’s agreement as a way of putting bread on the table – of not having bothered to read this document. (And at the same time implying that SHE has read every one of its 500 + pages.)
I wonder have the DUP ever watched those old Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy movies. If so, they’re bound to remember that king-of-catchphrase moments when Ollie turns to Stan and says “Here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!” In other words, “Stan, this is all your fault.“ That’s what Arlene is desperately trying to claim: it’s the business community and maybe that treacherous UFU as well who have landed us in the mess we’re in.
Psst, Arlene. If you think this is a mess, just keep pushing for a no deal and watch what comes avalanching down. It’ll bury what’s left of the DUP’s business and political credibility (which is not much) five fathoms deep. The catch is, it’ll bury the rest of us as well.
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