Man with pint: Now that Jay Donnelly has been made walk the Cliftonville plank, who would you reckon is Cliftonville’s best player?
Man with whiskey: It’s hard to say. There are many players on the team who would be in the running for top spot.
Man with pint: Yes, yes, comparisons are odious and all that. But who would get your vote as tbe best man on the team?
Man with whiskey: I must choose?
Man with pint: You must, or you will be buying the next round.
Man with whiskey: Well I wouldn’t want to do that…OK. I suppose it comes down to three players.
Man with pint: Can you list them in order of preference?
Man with whiskey: No but I’ll explain why I’ve selected them. One of them looks after his blind granny, another does a lot of voluntary work for the Simon Community, and the third is a daily communicant.
Man with pint (coughs and spills one-third of his pint): What the hell are you talking about?
Man with whiskey: The three best players on the Cliftonville team.
Man with pint: But for God’s sake – you’re going on about the Simon Community and going to Communion every day. I’m talking about their best player.
Man with whiskey: So am I. And I’m finding it virtually impossible to separate those three.
Man with pint: But why are you yapping about how pious they are and how they help their granny and rubbish like that? We’re talking about footballers. You don’t measure how good a footballer is by how he treats his granny or how much time he spends doing charity work.
Man with whiskey: You don’t?
Man with pint (getting red in the face): Are you trying to be funny or something?
Man with whiskey: No, I promise you. I’m deadly serious.
Man with pint: And you’re telling me you pick your three best players on how well they spend their off-field time?
Man with whiskey: Of course. Can I ask you a question?
Man with pint: As long as it’s not when did I last go to confession.
Man with whiskey: Why was Jay Donnelly booted out of Cliftonville?
Man with pint: Because he’s in prison. Or soon will be.
Man with whiskey: But that’s only for three months or something. Why didn’t they welcome him back afterwards?
Man with pint: You know bloody well why they don’t want him back – he was found guilty of disgusting stuff with photographs and the internet. I don’t want to go into it –it’s too nasty.
Man with whiskey: So it wasn’t because he’d lost his footballing skills, then.
Man with pint: No, of course not. It was because he did something rotten.
Man with whiskey: Exactly. He was expelled by the club because he did something bad.
Man with pint: And now you’re saying…
Man with whiskey: Exactly. I’m saying if the club expels a player because of bad moral character, shouldn’t they select their team on the same grounds? How good they are?
Man with pint: To their grannies.
Man with whiskey: Or similar virtuous actions. Sauce for the goose, etc.
Man with pint: You think Cliftonville would win many games that way?
Man with whiskey: No, but they’d have a good team… My shout – another pint?
Man with pint: Right. And a double whiskey chaser. You’re very good. Maybe you should try out for the Reds yourself.
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