I once sat at a table in the BBC beside Jacob Rees-Moggs’s da. Things were slightly crowded and at one point Baron Rees-Mogg’s knee touched mine. I’m pretty sure it was an accident. I mention this incident, not because The Baron is the subject of this column- he’s not, his son is – but I thought I’d let you know the elevated circles I moved in before the BBC black-balled me.
The late Baron’s son Jacob is a truly original figure. From experience I know that it’s dangerous to comment on the physical appearance of a politician, but it would be a denial of the obvious if I didn’t note that Jacob looks like the pin-stripe suit he wears was originally tailored for his older, much larger brother. Above the suit are Jacob’s features which can only be described as soft and his voice which can only be described as even softer. If Jacob was telling you it might rain later or that a nuclear war had begun, he’d use the exact same soft-syrup tones.
Jacob is now part of the Johnson Gang and has been appointed Leader of the Commons. Already he has created quite a stir among his staff. It seems he’s sent a memo to all telling them to mind their ps and qs. Or to be more accurate, their word usage.
Part of me is cheered by that news. Politicspeak is full of clichéd words and phrases, most of which do nothing beyond take up space and set the reader/listener’s teeth on edge. But some of the words Jacob has outlawed do seem a bit baffling.
For example, ‘equal’. Decent enough word, equal, but it brings out the Baron in Jacob. Don’t use it, he declares. Same goes for the word ‘unacceptable’. Can’t imagine what grudge he’s got against it either. Maybe a nanny used it after he’d scribbled in purple crayon all over the nursery wallpaper. Reinforcing the reprimand with a clump to the Rees-Mogg earhole. These childhood traumas leave a lasting mark on a chap.
Then there’s the words ‘lot’ and ‘got’. They’re on the forbidden list too. Maybe in case it’d get people thinking what a lot of money Jacob has got. But credit where credit is due: Jacob has put a red line through ‘I am pleased to learn.’ With you there, Jacob. ‘I’m glad’ uses up much less space. Less is indeed more.
Even the spaces between words are part of the new Jacob dispensation: there must be a double space after each full stop, and he doesn’t ever want to see a comma before the word ‘and’ (see what I did there?)
What’s more, he’ll fly into a rage with anyone using “invest in schools”. I suppose if you haven’t the words for it, when the new Education man Gavin Williamson cuts school funding even more, not having words to condemn his actions might help stifle public outcry.
But there is one phrase that Jacob would outlaw that I am in total agreement with and that’s “no longer fit for purpose.” That phrase is like the weed which springs up between the cracks on your patio. What it means, of course, is “useless” or “out-moded.” Anyone using it deserves to have Jacob sitting on his/her chest, thumbs pressed on their windpipe until their eye-balls bulged. In fact, that’d be letting them off easy.
What else? Well, Jacob wouldn’t have too many ‘is’ s in a piece of writing (fair enough)_but he also doesn’t like – in fact forbids the use of “understand your concerns.” As in “You’ve found a horse’s head in your bed and I can understand your concern.” Very harsh, Jacob. Many’s the Tory has awakened to be startled by his bed companion, and such people deserve our understanding.
But here’s the laugh. They did a check of Hansard and what do you think? Yep. They discovered that Jacob himself has used one or other of these words/phrases no less than seven hundred times. A case then of “Don’t say as I said, say as I say.”
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