Ladies and gentlemen of the media, I have a few announcements to make regarding the royal family, in particular regarding Prince Harry.
First of all, the Royal Family work very very hard. Take Her Majesty the Queen, for example. Every morning she reads around 300 letters from different people around the world. This is hard work, as is answering them. Fortunately she has people who both read and write for her, otherwise she’d be bored out of her mind. There’s also the possibility that some of the letters might contain rude language when expressing their love of Her Majesty.
The Queen’s grandsons, William and Harry, also work very very hard. William takes acting lessons every morning for as long as forty minutes, in order to prepare him for sitting in a carriage and waving when he becomes King, and for smiling when he’s handed some weird gift by some crazy-looking guy in some shit-hole country.
But now the royal family faces a crisis. Prince Harry and his lovely bride Meghan have said they quite like North America and have decided to spend half the year there. This has raised some eyebrows, since the Prince is expected, as patron of several charities, to say a few patronizing words about these charities from time to time. How could he do this from North America?
There is no truth to the rumour- and I want to emphasise this – that Harry and Meghan will be smuggled out of Britain to North America in musical instrument cases. For a start, architects have established that Prince Harry’s head could not possibly fit into even the biggest double bass case, and they also have completed studies showing that Meghan is a totally different shape from a saxophone case. The fact is, the Sussexes (I’d remind you they own Sussex) will travel conventionally, just like any of us, in a low-carbon emitting private jet.
Until arrangements can be made for amusing the Sussexes during their time in North America, we would ask you, ladies and gentlemen of the media, to respect their privacy. The fact that your mother bequeathed you over £10 million doesn’t mean you aren’t a sensitive, fun-loving human being.
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