LEO: The bastards – the ungrateful bastards!
SIMON: (Busy cleaning his glasses) Michel Barnier and Co. not send you a Christmas card? I got one from Angela, you know. Maybe yours was lost in the post.
LEO: Are you mentally blind or just physically? Have you read the opinion polls?
SIMON: Oh, those. The only poll that counts is the one –
LEO : If you say ‘the one on election day’, I swear I’ll put your head through that painting of Michael Collins.
SIMON: You’ll what? You’re not the only one gets up early in the morning and goes to the gym, you know. What’s your problem anyway?
LEO : It’ s not my problem – it’s your problem, it’s the problem of all of us in the party.
SIMON: Oh come on. Everybody in Ireland – everybody in Europe thinks we’re the party of political geniuses, the way we handled the Brexit thing. And then didn’t I go up north and sort out that cart-load of monkeys as well? We’re in a sweet spot, Leo, believe me.
LEO: God, how I detest your facile Cork optimism. Read the bloody papers, man. The polls say the great majority of people want a change!
SIMON: Maybe you misread it. Maybe they said they wanted a binge. And sure why wouldn’t they? We’ve the economy in grand shape, we’ve solved the border crisis – or at least I have – and people know the economy is sound.
LEO (thrusting Irish Times into Simon’s hands): Read the bloody thing for yourself. Their editorial says ‘an overwhelming majority of voters are focused on health and housing – the two big areas where the Government has failed to deliver.’
SIMON: I thought you said we built 20,000 houses last year.
LEO: So we did.
SIMON: And that children under six years of age would get free GP visits?
LEO: And over 65s. But it seems to make no difference. Is it me? Do they not like me because of my racial background? Because I’m gay?
SIMON: No, no, no, Leo. They’ve lots of other reasons for hating you. The electorate are funny. Look at Churchill.
LEO: Churchill?
SIMON: Yes, Churchill. He practically won the Second World War single-handed and as soon as the war was over they kicked him out. Maybe that’s the same here.
LEO: Or maybe it’s that chump-chimp Flanagan and his RIC commemoration that’s turned them off us.
SIMON: Well, let’s say it didn’t help. I wasn’t involved in that one, remember.
LEO (slumps into a chair and starts to weep quietly) We’re doomed. Those Fianna Fail chancers brought the entire state to its knees in 2008 and now look – that Cork bastard Martin is ahead of us in the polls. And that Bossy Brown-Eyes isn’t far behind.
SIMON: I don’t see what being from Cork has to do with it. Or eyes.
LEO: Maybe if we rejoined the Commonwealth.
SIMON: Don’t think that one will fly, somehow.
LEO: Or had the army invade Derry and call for a border poll.
SIMON (puts his arm around the party leader): No, no, no. Let’s not panic, Leo. Let’s do something sensible. Something that’ll get the public’s attention.
LEO: Like what?
SIMON: I know! Let’s get Bono! We’ll have a big rally – maybe in Cork, even – and we’ll go on stage at the end and Bono will stand between the two of us and raise our arms.
LEO : Raise our arms? Are you feeling all right?
SIMON: Like he did with John Hume and David Trimble – the crowd in Belfast loved that! That’s how we got the Good Friday Agreement.
LEO: And the audience got a good view of two sweaty armpits – now I remember. Get a grip.
SIMON: Well then, maybe we should make them feel guilty if they don’t vote for us. Talk about straight whites and privilege. Hint that if they don’t vote Fine Gael, they must at least sub-consciously be homophobic and racist.
LEO: (Dries his tears and hugs Simon) I think you’ve got it! Absolutely brilliant! Get the carefully worded press releases out as soon as possible. And I’m sorry I said that stuff about Cork people.
SIMON: I understand. That bastard Martin has done terrible things to the reputation of Cork.
LEO: Yes, that bastard Martin.
SIMON: The bastard.
LEO: Get the press releases out. And tell Pascal Donohue he is not under any circumstances to read them out on radio or TV.
SIMON: You’re thinking of the way he…
LEO: Yes. I think I’ll sack him the day before the election. That and the racist/homophic hint should see us over the line.
SIMON: What about the houses and health?
LEO: There are more important things in life than houses and health. Like retaining power. Trust me. I live in a house and I’m a doctor.
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