Man: Well, I’d like to go for a walk, but I’d miss Stephen Nolan.
Woman: He’s coming here?
Man: No, I mean I’d miss hearing him and his radio guests who phone in.
Woman: What time is his show over at?
Man: 10.30.
Woman: OK, I’ll wait until then. I’m feeling in bad need of some cool fresh air.
Man: But if we leave at, say 11 o’clock, we’ll not be back until 12.30.
Woman: So?
Man: I’d miss William Crawley on Talkback.
Woman: You like him?
Man : I love him. From the bottom of my heart.
Woman: Are you planning to divorce me?
Man: No, don’t be silly. I mean I love the intelligent and…and BALANCED way he works.
Woman: So what will they be talking about?
Man: The fall-out from Bobby Storey
Woman: Both of them?
Man: Very likely.
Woman: Yesterday I heard a BBC reporter refer to Storey as ‘The IRA man Bobby Storey’.
Man: Well he was in the IRA. What’s wrong with saying that?
Woman: I was thinking of Martin McGuinness.
Man: What about him?
Woman: He was in the IRA
Man: So?
Woman: It’s just that I never heard any reporter refer to Martin McGuinness as ‘the IRA man Martin McGuinness.’
Man: Mmm. Hadn’t thought of that. Different horses, different courses, I suppose.
Woman: What’s Nolan going to be dealing with this morning?
Man: Bobby Storey’s funeral
Woman: And William Crawley?
Man: Probably the same.
Woman: Don’t be ridiculous. They both dealt with that story last week. Several times.
Man: It doesn’t matter. The public are outraged.
Woman: What about?
Man: Social distancing, cremation, side-gates to cremation sites.
Woman: Did they not scrape that barrel fairly thoroughly last week?
Man: It seems they missed some bits
Woman: Such as?
Man : I can’t think what right now. But it was definitely about the funeral of the IRA man Bobby Storey.
Woman: Are they doing anything on that young lad Noah Donohoe?
Man: Nah, don’t think so.
Woman: Why not?
Man: Lack of public interest.
Woman: But interest continues on the Bobby Storey funeral?
Man: Oh yes. Stephen was quite emphatic that this was a matter of great public concern. A hierarchy of the dead, I think he said. William feels that way too, I believe.
Woman: And you don’t have a pain in your posterior hearing about it for the umpteenth time?
Man: It is my duty as a citizen of Ulster – we can’t have men in white shirts and black pants keeping order.
Woman: Or IRA men being cremated.
Man: Exactly. I’m glad you’re coming to see sense. As right-thinking members of the public, it’s our job to help Stephen and William to investigate this matter in detail.
Woman: But nothing on young Noah Donohoe.
Man: Nah. Open and shut case. Besides he wasn’t in the IRA.
Woman: I need some air. I’m off – I may be a little while.
Man: You look a bit peeved.
Woman: I was just thinking – I pay my licence fee. My money goes into the pocket of Nolan and Crawley.
Man: National treasures, both.
Woman (rolls her eyes until only the whites show) : I’m glad I locked away the kitchen knife. I will now close this door behind me as I leave you. (Tremendous bang, the sound of splintering wood. )
Man (to himself): Women – can’t live with them, can’t live without them. So emotional. Thank God for Radio Ulster. (Fiddles with his radio as the scene goes to black.)
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