ME: So. Edwin Poots has withdrawn workers who were checking on animal and food products coming from Britain into the N(E)I
VIRGINIA: Will they still be paid while on gardening leave?
ME: You’d have to ask Edwin Poots that one.
VIRGINIA: Is it that they’re afraid loyalist paramilitaries may attack the checkers?
ME: Well, the writing is on the wall.
VIRGINIA: Meaning?
ME: There have been considerable graffiti around Larne declaring that workers involved in checking products will be targets.
VIRGINIA: I thought there were always checks on stuff coming in.
ME: You thought correctly. There have always been checks between Britain and N(E)I on live animal imports.
VIRGINIA: So the paramilitaries didn’t mind live animals being checked but do object to dead animals or their bits being checked?
ME: Correct.
VIRGINIA: Why the distinction. Is the only bad animal a dead animal?
ME: You might say that.
VIRGINIA: And why are they objecting to dead animal products and suchlike?
ME: It’s to do with the ‘Irish protocol’, where NEI remains a part of the UK but has different rules. Because it’s being treated as an EU country, NEI must effectively follow EU rules.
VIRGINIA: But the loyalist paramilitaries don’t like following EU rules?
ME: Not even a little bit.
VIRGINIA: Because they’re vegans?
ME: No, no. Some of those who object to the Irish protocol would eat a cow’s ass through a hedge.
VIRGINIA: Speaking of asses – what does Sammy Wilson have to say on the matter?
ME: “Unionists are the only people who never at any stage threatened there would be violence as a result of whatever arrangements came and arose from Brexit.”
VIRGINIA: But I thought you said it was loyalist paramilitaries that were threatening workers.
ME: I did.
VIRGINIA: Then why is Sammy saying it’s only republicans that have threatened violence?
ME: Search me. Or search Sammy, maybe. But not when he’s sunbathing.
VIRGINIA: Do the police know who these people making threats are?
ME: They probably do.
VIRGINIA: Then why don’t they arrest them?
ME: Maybe because they fear a loyalist backlash.
VIRGINIA: But isn’t this threat to workers a backlash already?
ME: It is indeed.
VIRGINIA: So are you saying the police in Larne are afraid of the paramilitaries?
ME: I couldn’t possibly comment.
VIRGINIA: And aren’t all paramilitary organisations supposed to be dissolved after the Good Friday Agreement and weapons decommissioning?
ME: Search me.
VIRGINIA: Or Sammy?
ME: Indeed.
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