About last night…

You at the back – take that grin off your face. This is a serious national – ok, provincial, provincial – OK, OK,  six-counties crisis. We must try to analyse what’s happened and the consequences thereof. No slanging, no drum-beating, no Famine songs.

1.  Has Sinn Féin brought on this crisis? Of course, with their constant crocodilian demands, in this case over an Irish Language Act. We the DUP never promised Sinn Féin or anyone else an Irish Language Act, or even a rose garden. Granted, the British government promised an Irish Language Act in the St Andrew’s Agreement in 2006 and we signed up to that Agreement. But that was a long time ago and we shouldn’t live in the past.
2. Edwin Poots has been removed as leader through a democratic vote. And yes, just as Arlene Foster was removed by a democratic vote. Granted, it took a lot of jooking around and whispering in ears in both cases, but we are where we are. Edwin Poots is no longer leader. Hooray!
3. Why do I say ‘Hooray!’? No, it’s nothing to do with his dress sense or general appearance of a man who’s trying to remember if he put on his underwear this morning. The ‘Hooray!’ is solely because this ex-leader  agreed, in defiance of our wishes, to appoint Smiler Givan as First Minister AND because he agreed that the British government could bring in an Irish Language Act if we didn’t. Can you believe that? Britain taking on itself the right to interfere in Iri – I mean in Ulster’s affairs!  
4. What next? Well, there’ll have to be a thorough purge of all treacherous sons and daughters of Satan who thought they could foist this excuse for a leader on us….What’s that? We elected him ourselves? And now we’ve de-elected him 500 hours later? Absolutely correct. So we’ll have to be extra careful that, in purging the Party, we don’t purge ourselves.
5.  You think we’re imploding? Ha! You just keep tricking and betraying the people of Ulster with your treacherous Jesuitical talk out of both sides of your mouth, and you’ll find the people of Ulster will not take it lying down. You are aware that we are approaching the Twelfth and all our time-honoured marching and speeches and kick-the-Pope bands? You may just find that if you impose your leprechaun language on us, so we and our children and our children’s children can’t get a job or sign on the dole except they can sign their name in Irish  – you’ll just find that we’ll do what we have always done. Ulster will fight and Ulster will be right…Yes, right in the head and in every other area too. This is our wee country! You won’t rob us of our heritage! No, I haven’t time to answer any more questions. I need to resume the hunt for Ian Paisley Jr. He appears to have gone missing in action.