Christmas morning. A majestic rendering of ‘The Sash’ fills the air as the lights come up.
The room is empty but the table groans with Christmas fare – plump turkey, lashings of ham, expensive wine, plum pudding, alcohol-laced trifle and a huge box of chocolates.
The door opens and Sir Jeffrey Donaldson enters. He sits at the head of the table and bows his head in silent prayer.
This meditation is interrupted by a crashing sound as UUP leader Doug Beattie jumps into the room, crouches as he checks for danger, then relaxes and moves to the table.
DOUG: Old Afghanistan habits die hard. You’ll understand that, being a military man yourself. (He takes his seat to Jeffrey’s left)
JEFFREY: Why are you positioning yourself to my left?
DOUG: Because that’s where your votes are leaking.
The door opens slowly this time and they are joined by Jim Allister. He glowers at the two seated leaders.
JIM: I hope this isn’t another time-wasting exercise. I am a barrister-at-law and my time is money. (He sits to the right of Sir Jeffrey.) It’s where your votes are leaking.
Naomi Long puts her head around the door.
NAOMI:Can I come in?
JEFFREY: This meeting is solely for the party leaders of unionism. So of course. Come in and sit down.
NAOMI(She sits beside the UUP leader, who frowns at her): It’s where your votes are leaking.
JEFFREY Clearing his throat): Now, we all know why we are here.
He pauses as the door opens and a smiling Paul Givan enters.
JIM: Stop! You’re not a party leader, Givan. Out!
PAUL: But I am First Minister of Northern Ireland!
JIM: And you’re not the leader of your party – he is. (Points at Sir Jeffrey. Sir Jeffrey points to a stool beside the door.)
JEFFREY: Sit there and don’t interrupt…Now, we all know why we’re here. The Union is in peril.
DOUG: We need a strategy. A campaign plan. We never flew a white flag in Afghanistan and there’ll be no white flag here either.
JIM: We are citizens of the United Kingdom, and we have only one flag.
NAOMI (Rolls her eyes) Squabbling about flags again.
JEFFREY: Order, order. We have an Assembly election in May. We must do something about it.
PAUL: I know. Let’s get as many votes as possible for the DUP.
JIM: Will you kindly shut up?
NAOMI (Taking a turkey leg from her mouth): The Alliance Party will shape the future for Northern Ireland. Our day is coming.
JIM (Jumps to his feet): What did you just say?
JEFFREY: Gentlemen, gentlemen. And lady. Cool your jets. We are all threatened by a shared appalling vista.
DOUG: Michelle O’Neill as First Minister? It sticks in my craw.
NAOMI( Wiping her mouth): I’d find it…distasteful.
JIM (banging the table and upending a bottle of wine): IRA/Sinn Féin is totally and utterly unacceptable! They should be banned from Stormont.
JEFFREY: We are unionists. We use our heads and we respond intelligently to crises. Let us form a pact, fielding in each constituency one unionist candidate.
NAOMI (Looking suddenly interested) You mean run all unionist candidates under one party banner? Well yes, and we could call it, let’s see, the Allied Unionist party- the Unionist Allies party, th –“
DOUG: The Alliance Party – there, I’ve said it for you. We’ll all convert to become Alliance candidates.
NAOMI: It’d be just this once. Which would you rather, Michelle O’Neill as First Minister or me?
JIM: Do you take me for some kind of fool? (He stands up and kicks over his chair.) I’m finished with this futility.
DOUG: Me too. The UUP is on the rise.
JEFFREY: You mean the DUP.
PAUL: We never went away, you know.
JEFFREY (glances at the loaded table). Maybe if we ate first and talked afterwards, we’d be more likely to agree.
NAOMI: Good idea.
DOUG (Forking a thick chunk of ham) An army marches on its stomach.
JEFFREY: True. We found that in the UDR too.
PAUL: (Loading his plate) This is food for thought.
JIM (To Sir Jeffrey, pointing a knife at Paul) I thought you had him house-trained?
JEFFREY: Not another word out of you, Givan. Or we bring Edwin back.
They eat in silence as the lights go down and the majestically mournful sound of The Dead March from ‘Saul’ fills the air.
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