Thinking about Theresa

Sometimes what’s been staring you in the face for ages steps forward just that little bit and comes into sharp, silly focus.  I’m thinking about this  in relation to the British Secretary of State. Admittedly I’ve known about the position for longer than I care to remember. From Peter Brooke and his Darling Clementine to Patrick Mayhew and his plummy tones, to Mo Mowlam and her wig, Peter Mandelson and his dog, John Reid and his rudeness, Peter Hain and his tan  –  the list stretches out to the crack of doom and beyond. My former colleague on the VO, Brian Feeney, used refer  to them as ‘the proconsuls’  which sums it up quite nicely. But it’s only with the arrival of Theresa Villiers that I suddenly see the wild-eyed absurdity of the post. 

Theresa has made a speech in England telling the political leaders here that they’re in danger of failing to clinch a deal on flag, parades, the legacy of the Troubles and welfare reform. Well, doh. I think we know most of that, Theresa. Haass was all about flags parades and the legacy of the Troubles, aka the past. We know that Haass was sent back to do his homework at least seven times by unionist politicians who ended walking out on his package for progress. Now Theresa has tagged ‘welfare reform’ onto the list.

Orwell, that most honest of Englishmen, saw the link between language and politics, and how by constant repetition people could learn to think of war as peace and lies as truth. Such is the case with ‘welfare reform’.  What that really refers to is welfare cuts. Theresa knows it, unionist politicians know it and republican/nationalist politicians know it. For all their much-vaunted not-an-inch tradition, the unionists have chosen to roll over and accept this attack on the most vulnerable in our society. Sinn Féin has urged them to stand and fight but no, they’d rather do their master’s bidding and wait to have their tummy rubbed.

And Theresa? In the long tradition of proconsuls here, she’s put a leg in both camps. She’s told the unionists not to view ongoing talks as a threat, and she’s told the republicans and nationalists to think again about ‘welfare changes’. “”Deadlock and dysfunction is now a real possibility if the political parties in the Executive don’t act now to prevent this and grip the situation.”

See what she did there? Reinforced the cliché/lie  that one lot’s as bad as the other and if they don’t get organised they’ll suffer financially.  In short, local politicians are all useless and if they don’t agree to welfare cuts they themselves will be subjected to funding cuts. Oh, and because she’s an outsider she can see our sad squabbles in a cool, objective light.

Does Theresa’s latest statement tell you anything you didn’t know? I don’t think so. Our taxes are spent on keeping this woman – when she’s here –  living up in Hillsborough Castle She reminds us of her presence occasionally by making a speech, often in England, telling us we’re all useless and Britain will hit us over the head with a financial club if we don’t sit up and beg.

And yet…Oh God, I hate to admit it but I sometimes feel for Theresa. She looks so …shifty-eyed. It’s almost as if she knows she’s telling us nothing we haven’t heard and she realises she’s about as useful as  a US vice-president – which post, you’ll remember, was likened to a bucket of warm spit  (I think the original was ‘piss’, actually) or a fifth tit on a cow.

Brace yourself, Theresa. We don’t need you to direct your gaze our way and tell us the bleeding obvious. In fact, we don’t really need you. If all you can do is wave your financial club above your head, we could probably train a monkey to do that for far less money.