Picture the scene. You’ve applied for a job with RTÉ and you’ve got to the interview stage. The various worthies seated behind the table consider you through narrowed eyes, then the main man (it’s almost certainly a man) says “Sit down in that chair”.
At least that’s what you think he says, only when you begin to do so he says “I said sit under that chair”. “With your left leg wrapped round the chair’s right arm” the worthy beside him adds. “And your right leg placed carefully behind your neck” the token woman worthy says.
This, of course, is a fictional scene. Make-believe. But believable make-believe. Because I read a report yesterday which clearly shows that, to work for RTÉ, you must be able to twist into the most unnatural and contorted poses at a moment’s notice.
The article in question is from the RTÉ website yesterday. It’s headed “New poll finds drop in support for government parties”. It goes on to talk about how the poll shows “a considerable slump in support for the Coalition parties, and a surge for independents.’’ It goes on to note that Fine Gael is down 5 points to 19% and Labour down 3 points to 6%. It reveals that Fianna Fáil is on 21% (up one), Sinn Féin on 22% (down two) and independents and smaller parties on 32%. It concludes that this is the highest rating for independents in any Irish Times poll ever, and the lowest that Fine Gael have been in over a decade.
Nothing remarkable about that? No and yes. No, what we’re told is unremarkable insofar as it is all true. Yes it is remarkable because it manages to get truthfully through a commentary on the polls without once pointing out that the polls indicate Sinn Féin is the largest party in the state. It also fails to point out that, while Gerry Adams’s personal rating has dropped, he still emerges as the most popular party leader in the state.
So you thought it might be a good idea for a poll analysis to say, in the headline or in the article or both, which is the biggest party and which leader the most popular? Ah no. That’s sitting-down-in-the-chair stuff.What you’ve forgotten is the contortionist factor. Only when you’ve successfully wrapped your parts around a chair in the manner indicated above are you likely to be loosed on poll analysis.
And be honest – you were impressed at the weaving around and over and under the words “Sinn Féin” and “Gerry Adams”, weren’t you? Classy stuff. Would put your average python to shame.
Now – here’s the link and call me a liar…
Jude when RTE read this I would fully expect that they will make sure that you are placed on their news programs to make sure there is balance and SF`s case gets properly represented and since you are no spring chicken(like most of us here i should add…) you could represent the elderly on RTE as well…; )
Sounds like an A1 idea, neill. Unfortunately it’s highly unlikely to occur in the real world. Besides, I know so little about you elderly folk it’d be presumptuous of me to speak on your behalf…
Not with that attitude it wont Jude!
The Paterson Formula
The Paterson Formula has dispensed with the Villiers factor in order to demonstrate that 90% is tan til ising ly close to but not 100%. This particular equation draws heavily on the Partition Function, a count of ways to write a given positive integer as a sum of positive integers, an integer being a number that can be written without a fractional component. The Paterson Formula will not tolerate vulgar fractions.
We are so tan til ising ly close to unprecedented figures associated with redundancies and unemployment that a North – South Ministerial meeting will be held on 5 November 2014 in Armagh, to discuss rugby and the tan til ising ly close date 2023. Flexible anatomies are a requirement for all participants at the meeting.
Another spot on article Jude.
The art of contortion is not necessarily one to be decried, Esteemed Blogmeister, and has indeed a laudatory tradition from Harry Houdini through Chubby Cheker right up to our own times. Even among those whose initials are not identical.
One of the great verbal contortionists in RTE is the never late and always grating J. Duffy whose bulging forearms are of the popeye variety from all that wheelbarrowing of dosh from the public purse.
‘Talk to Joe’ is of course the come-on catchphrase for all those deadheads, bless ’em, with nothing better to do than to do just that on the blagship programme called, oddly enough, ‘Liveline’. It is justificably famous for taking up the causes of the downtrodden. i.e., them what are down on their uppers. No better broadcasters than Joe of the broad Ballyfermot accent to press the e for empathy button. As empathy vessels make the most noisome noise, few of which come even close to the subsidised bogus Ballyer accent.
Joe the Verbal Contortionist is, of course, the possessor of De bleedin’ definitive Dublin accent. Just give your ears a treat and lap up those coddle consonants and all those hook and loop Velcro vowels. And, not to forget of course, the trademark shiny tracksuit T at the end of words like ‘notttt to forgettttt’.
Joe D was brought up in B for Ballyfermot and has progressed to C for Clontarf so it takes a dastardly amount of hard work for an A-list broadcaster to cling so tenaciously on to the B-list accent. Joe D seemingly talks a lot to himself in his boyhood Ballyfermot dialect as he makes his daily way to D for Donnybrook, Dublin 4.
Itt ought to be noted that the leprechaun for Ballyfermot is in fact Baile Formaid. Formad is the leprechaun for E for Envy. As is E for Earner. And there is a lot a envy out there, no doubt, for the Buachaill on Eirne. The first lines of that famous Fermanagh ballad are:
‘Buachaill on Eirne me ‘s bhreagfainn fein cailin deas og
Ni irarrfainn bo spre lei ta me fein saibhir go leor.
I’m a boy from the Erne and I could charm a nice young girl
I would not ask for her wealth as I am rich enough myself’
Sadly this not may still hold true or indeed water. As old Scruffy Voiced Duffy’s earnings are on a downward spiral – from wheelbarrowing home over 400 thou in euros in 2008 to somewhere around a depressing 350 thou mark (not marks but euros) at the mo this has culminated in the annual Charity Wheelbarrow Race on Not so Easy Street for pinch-feeling Public Broadcasters. It starts at the AIB ATM and finishes at the B of I ATM.
Mention has already been made of the Chief Prophet of Contortionists, Harry Houdini and it may well be a coincidence that Duffy’s autobiography ‘Just Joe’ was launched by Gay Byrne in Harry’s Bar in 2011. Just as it is a coincidence that both Joe and Gay are not inordinately mute re. their respective families connection with the British Army, in India in Just Joe’s case.
Just Joe of course was one of the first Ballyfermot Boyz to scale the walls of Trinity College, Dublin. Which was one whale of a scale. Just Joe talks a lot about that no mean achievement. Indeed, to hear him tell it, on a scale of one to ten it ranks at about 11.5 While there he became embroiled (a darlin’ word, Joxer, a daaarlin’ word) in the boyzantine world of Student Politics. Where he forged friendships with such luminaries as Alex Atwood and other Murisheeens of the working Durkan class. That may well have endured to this v. day.
Indeed, some dastards have claimed that the electioneering warcry of ‘Attaboy, Attwood !’ can be heard betimes between the on line lines of Just Joe. Perkie, be it known, is not in any way numbered among that begrudging lot.
On a recent edition of ‘Liveline’ an unnamed doctor rang up to talk to Joe about just how proud he was of his unnamed Garda son. This may well be a unique variaiton of the story (not necessarily apocryphal) about the posh mum from Cork whose medically qualified son had somehow contrived to fall into the Lee; “Help ! Help ! My son, the doctor,is drowning’ !’
In anyways, as Just Joe says, the good doctor informed the broadshouldered broadcaster about the dangers his son, the Garda, had to face on a daily basis. And managed to insert a line about ‘the unfortunate Garda in Louth who was murdered by Republicans’.
Which assetion was greeted by silence by the normally alert and just Joe. But then, silence may well be golden. No wind of his normal ‘don’t make assertions unless you can corroborate them on this programme’. Odd. Ra-ther.
Speaking of wind, Just Joe’s predecessor as the wheelbarrower in chief in RTE was Pat Kenny, which flatulist was known affecttionately as ‘Le Patomane’ to his foreign legion of fans, both at home and abroad. And indeed still is, over in Newstalk where the wheelbarrows are rumoured to be even broader in the beam for broadcasters.
The F for French art of flatulism is a theatrical tradition on a par with that of the contortionist. And Pat the Flatulist takes his nickname from Le Petomane, the legendary one leg in the air French prectictioner. This homme was the original Duc de Trouser Cough and was famous for his remarkable control of the abdominal muscles.
It may sound like a coincidence (see Harry’s Bar above) and indeed it ought to be because the orignal Le Petomane was baptised Joe, though not in Ballyfermot. Rather Joe Pujol of Marseilles.
Once, as a boy while swmimming in the Mediterranean the once and future Le Petomane had a strange experience. He put his head under the water and held his breath, whereupon he felt an icy cold penetrating his rear. He ran ashore, a stoir, and was amazed to sense water pouring from his anus. A doctor assured him that there was nothing to worry about.
It is not known if Le Patomane ever experienced such a epiphany as Kenny has been canny enough not to publish his autobiography yet, or at least till he has had the decency to actually get a life first.
Though the d for dough word is common to both master and disciple: Le Petomane started life as a baker. A profession which featured in this very blog of late if one is not mistaken, Esteemed Blogmeister.
Monsieur Joe, when he just a baker, sometimes entertained his customers by imitating musical instruments, and claim to be playing them behind the counter. When he eventually switched professions and took to the stage, his sound effects included that of cannonfire and thunderstorms, as well as playing ‘O Sole Mio’ and ‘La Marseillaise’.
His audiece in Le Moulin Rouge included such royalty as Edward, Prince of Wales and, mon dieu, Leopold of the Belgian Congo soi meme whose two intact palms came in handy enough for the applause bit.
Le Patomane’s repertoire mimics that by his playing of his favourite soccer,oops, football and rugby anthems ‘Ole, Ole, Ole’ and ‘Ireland’s Call’.
Both Just Joe and Le Patomane have been worthy winners of the Jacob’s Awards, the ultimate biscuit taking award for Broadcasters in the Free Southern Stateen.
Oh, and after Le Petomane retired from the stage he returned to the bakery trade and in fact ,opened a biscuit factory in Toulon.
I suppose if politicians don’t listen to their electorate, operate out of a bubble of self deception (I do that too . . .) and do so for years, then you are going to get a situation evolving. A situation of . alienation, which will increase the desire and need for independent leaders/politicians.
Good in one way as it puts pressure on the parties higher up the ladder. Bad in another, as some parties will emerge, like U-KIP (You kip and you get . . .) pandering to more extreme views. So I’m just waiting for a return of the Blue Shirts to the Dublin streets (or bankers with arm bands). (Though some might argue that they never went away).
Ah now. I enjoyed the points that you made and how a supposedly neutral, even handed station like RTE can squirm just like the rest of us, when put to the test.
Great Stuff Jude. Sorting the wheat from the chaff the sheep from the goats and the men from the other men . . .
The more I read about RTE and the free state mentality the more I loathe it. Give me the good old Unionists any day, at least you know where you stand with them. What is their problem with Sinn Féin? They supported the IRA? Well that was a long time ago, since the conflict ended they have been fully behind the peace process, Besides, every party supported political violence. Could it be they are scared Sinn Féin will get into government? Too bad.
Are RTE staff not professional contortionists themselves, skill in this area a necessity of the job?
Could they not in a flash remove their collective heads from the dark place it is right now and smile toothily from behind one “finger” at the new world?
Like police and army, does not contorting to the shape wanted by the current regime form the primary task of all performers?
Only hoping …