RADIO DAYS by Harry McAvinchey

The radio is chirruping merrily in the background as the snow flurries and chases about outside…The world might end sometime soon …..

I see Mitchel McLaughlin has been appointed Speaker at Stormont.A Sinn Feiner in the speaker’s job…worlds might crumble. Jim Allister has just now discovered the outworkings of one man , one vote and is already preparing himself for a series of publicity stunts where  he will attempt to be expelled from the Chamber each week by the Speaker and reap as much media coverage as possible. All publicity is good publicity, after all.

In another story the  infamous Norneverland  fundamentalist pastor , James McConnell, the Man Who Time Forgot, is still raving on the radio about his avowed distrust of Muslims. He actually said that some police officers in the upper echelons of our PSNI actually sympathised with his self- inflicted  plight and supported him in his divisive stance.I think we would all like to know which of our police officers hold these same unwholesome views and how anyone of the Muslim faith could expect fair treatment in their hands . Another Muslim man is apologising for his own  cack -handed analysis of the murders in Paris last week . His problem was that his English was much better than my French for example, , but  he should never have tried to explain himself and something as complex as a centuries- in- the -making culture conflict, in his second language….in five minutes ,on the radio .It was never going to end well. Then , they wheeled on Wee Sammy Shrink…{sorry…he’s doing anything but shrinking}… Wilson , our Merry Minister of Mirth,  to wind the whole thing up further. Sammy made noises about the possibility of taking away grants from Muslims . Ahhh..throw money into the mix and already the place begins to stink up.Sammy says he has many friends in the Muslim community .I wonder does he trust them to go down to the shops for him , like his boss Peter, the First Minister.

Someone else is raving that gay marriage is wrong because some god said so. He claims that this same  celestial creature also invented marriage .He kept repeating that simple bland statement  and no one stopped him short and explained  the difference between a “faith” and  other real  possibilities, such as a large planet-swallowing blacmange that is breeding worlds  such as our own wee planet ,as an energy source, better to dine on .They obviously allow these characters on the radio so that the rest of us can jump up and down , holding our sides while laughing uproariously. They call it having a “blonde moment”. There’s even a person called Katie Hopkins who has apparently made a career out of  being an actual “blonde moment” all the time ….like a piece of conceptual artwork.She  now writes for a redtop rag called “The Sun”, which is only right and proper, and she says all that stuff that someone wiser would never allow to  develop beyond a casual thought.; such wondeous things like…..” I’d never allow my children to play with anyone named Gidget  who eats pizzas”. Somebody should write a book before the whole thing goes up in flames. Then , of course, there’d be nobody left to read it.

Sometimes I really wonder if it is safe to go outside , given the utter tripe and nonsense rattling about in the minds of some of my fellow creatures. Where do they get this stuff, anyway?

We really need an investigation here.