Fire and water means something very different in the land of Norneverland. True to its name things are very different in this Magic Land Of The Absurd.Some believe , for example that the place is as British as Finchley although most of the denizens would scratch their heads in wonder at that statement, not knowing what or where a “Finchley” actually is.
No matter. Our Home Secretary Theresa Villiers has put her stamp on their perplexity. She says it’s perfectly fine to use water cannons on the rioting natives of the land but has banned their use in the remainder of the UK .They have been banned in England and Wales where they might cause serious physical damage to the less hardy inhabitants who have not evolved with the necessary rioting genes to survive such a moist and watery affront.
Boris, the bumptious , fruity -voiced , jolly Mayor of London is not too pleased at this latest revelation, having recently invested a lot of the citizens hard-earned cash in three of the latest models of these mobile water -cannons. He was looking forward to seeing them in action during the next anarchist uprising against the Tories and now they have been moth-balled. They’ll probably be sneakily sold at a loss to the Norneverland PSNI some time in the future when the hub-bub dies down….but where’s the fun in that ? You know how it is with boys and their toys.
In Norneverland rioters have been allowed to evolve into stronger meat. Years of closely observed rigorous breeding programmes have benefitted the rioting races in building up resistance to both fire and water .Their skin is impervious to the heat of the massive towering bonfires and it has developed a thickness to withstand the force of the pressurised water fired at them as they assault the police lines with swords , sticks and assorted lumps of broken masonry.The police force revel in the experience of this low-level warfare and the pay is good too.At the end of the annual celebratory period in Norneverland everyone feels a sense of satisfaction that the most that can happen is the odd blister or broken finger-nail.
Next year , to make things a little more interesting , the talk is of adding a dyed radioactive isotope to the water mix as an experiment to see how the rioters will cope with this novel tweak. Many are interested to see how the rioters’ skin and designer clothes will look after a soaking in a ruckus of indelible psychedelic colour . More to the point will be whether or not they’ll be easier to catch when the begin to glow in the dark.
Great article Harry, fire and water indeed! Maybe the PSNI will use orange dye.
The present spat between London mayor Big Bad Blond Boris and Home Sec Theresa MAY is not really about whether water cannon should be used in England, but about which of them will be top dog in the race to take over from PM Cameron.
Probably Boris should have consulted the government before buying these three cannon, but Bumptious Boris is nothing if not arrogant – English public schooling of course.
And Sleazy Teresa, wanting to bring him down a peg or two, wanted to show him who is boss in such matters.
As far as selling these machines to NI at a loss (if we still have an executive by then), our loyalty to England would preclude us from giving them less than full price – after all, if its done in the name of loyalty, price is of no consequence.
As sherry…you’re taking these actors way too seriously…..
Saw a photo of these machines and the only place they will be going is back to the scrap heap from whence they came.
Someone has conned the Bullingdon Bozo out of 300 grand.
Arthur Daly is still among us and living comfortably from the proceeds of selling obsolete armaments to public school idiots who do not know a water cannon from a hose pipe.