Right, class. Welcome back and I hope our day off didn’t wash away all the interesting things we were talking about the last day. Now I say ‘all the different things” but actually we were talking about only two things: how much money the British government gives us each year, and how much money we give the British Treasury back in the form income tax, corporation tax and so on. And you’ll remember that it the British Treasury was a slippy little customer, for before the money allocated to us got to us, several chunks had been sliced off for various other matters. Likewise when calculating what we gave back to the British Treasury, a number of sources of revenue were conveniently by-passed. In short, who can tell me two key points from last day?../ Ah, Virginia. What would like to say? That the amount of money we get is overestimated – well done, very good – and the amount of money we give back is underestimated – good girl, you clearly have been listening and I hope the rest of you have been listening as carefully as Virginia.
Now today I want simply to stress a single point: it’s called Reaction. What do I mean by that? …No, Cuthbert, I’m not referring to a song sung a long time ago by a lady called Diana Ross. Yes, Cuthbert, it was a very good song, very good indeed, but it’s not the Reaction we’re talking about here. We’re talking about how some people react when you point out these two matters: we get less money than people claim, and we give back more money than people admit.
There a variety of reactions which I’ll maybe go into on a later day, but the most popular Reaction is to shift ground. No, class, we’re not talking here about shovelling earth or getting in a digger. We’re talking about the way some people shift ground. You’re talking to them about the here and now, what’s the financial situation regarding the block grant and the money we pay back, and they react by talking about how daft a united Ireland would be…No, Cuthbert, I don’t think it’s daft, I don’t think it’s daft at all. But if we start talking about it, we’ll have shifted ground, won’t we? Instead of sticking to the here and now, and the vagueness and sometimes contradiction of some Treasury figures, and the clear signs that rather than us getting a net sum of over £10 billion, we’re probably getting around £5 billion, what do these people do? They start talking about how many jobs would be lost in a united Ireland and how it’ d cause social upheaval and maybe violence.
Don’t let them do that, boys and girls. Stick to the point: The calculations show the British government doesn’t give us £10 billion but £5 billion. Once we get agreement on just how financially profitable we are as a part of the United Kingdom, only then will we be able to go on and judge how things might be in a united Ireland. For now, let’s stay with the financial life-support system that the British Exchequer provides for us; only after we’ve taken a clear and verifiable reading of the size and nature of that life-support system should we go on and consider what would happen if the life-support system was slowly switched off.


As current affairs are now synonymous with currency affairs here in the FSS, Esteemed Blogmeister, the reason why the issues you raise today do not rate a mench here and hereabouts, is simple.
We, the divided folk on both sides of the Black Sow’s Dyke, belong to different currency zones.
Whereas we folk here in the FSS are in the right wonga zone, the Euro, you folks up in Norneverland are clearly in the wrong wonga zone, the Sterling. The pfennig would not seem to have dropped for you economically illiterate and gothic lot who worship Mrs. Saxe-Coburg-Gotha- yet.
And the reason why the Euro is the right wonga zone is also simple: the answer is contained in the acronym, ATM. As the world and its Queen Mum knows, ATM is the latest Hiberno-English phrase to enter, underneath both the arches and the Marble Arch alike, the Queen’s English.
ATM stands, of course, for Acting The Maggot.
And no better folk that us financially sophisticated folk in the FSS at ATM. For, after withdrawing 60 times more wonga than we were entitled to during the Roaring Nineties of the Celtic Tiger (Tiger is wonga for Taig) we have now successfully come out, the other side, nose-smelling of roses.
‘Won’t you come home, Bill Bail-out’ is still going toe to toe with ‘Ireland’s Crawl’ as our new National Anthem: to be decided when WE are awarded the Egg-chasing World D-Cup. (D being the leprechaun for Domhan/World) in 2023. Or, is it 2123..
The smart wonga of Perkie’s inner dismal scieniest at this moment in t., going f., is on the former: given that 9 of the 12 stadia which the Smart Alickados of the Rugga World in West Britian are actually…….Bogball stadia. Or, as they are now being dubbed in DOBland, Bogbail Stadia.
So, it goes, twinkle toes.
Of course, ATM’s are no longer called that, down here in the Free Southern Stateen. Now that we have emerged stronger, wonga wise, from the potential Big Cat-astrophe of the Celtic Tiger era (with a little,erm, hype from our friends in Frankfurter Land) we are in a position to change that hackneyed acronym.
Even, dare we say, a morally superior position.
Now, that we are the sabre-rattling and far from extinct sabre-toothed Celtic Tiger once again, we are not just the hottest cats in town but the newest Hot Dog on the Block. More than capable on the one hand at putting the boot into the morally inferior feckless and freckle-less Greeks but capable of delivering – all before the same breakfast time of Champions- of delivering the Same Shekels Referendum.
Where the Land of the Frankfurter has gone, so now, has the Land of the Hot Dog followed our, erm, rainbow-coloured lead.
Call it the DruidLiberace factor.
Hence, the ATM (Acting the Maggot) in every one of the Fifty Stateens, southern and northern, in the US of A is now called, just like in the Free Southern Stateen, the (gulp) the…..
….roll of drums…..roll of bums….
ATF.
Northern Ireland Net Fiscal Balance Report 2010/2011
Corporation tax (excluding North Sea revenues) – £775m
Capital gains tax – £79m
Inheritance tax – £39m
Stamp duties – £135m
National Insurance Contributions (NICs) -£1,946
VAT – $2,898m
Fuel duties – £928m
Tobacco duty – £485m
Alcohol Duties – £274m
Betting & Gaming duties – £29m
Air Passenger duty – £63
Insurance Premium tax – £73m
Land fill tax £46m
Climate Change Levy £13m
Aggregates levy £6m
Customs Duties & levies – £87m
VED – £167m
Business rates (non-domestic rates) – £524m
Council Tax (domestic rates) – £504m
Other taxes & royalties – £187m
Interest & dividends £86m
Gross operating surplus & rent – £785m
Current Receipts – £12.7b
Public and common services – £611m
EU transactions – £73m
International services – £257m
Debt interest – £1,276m
Defence – £1,127m
Public order and safety – £1,626m
Enterprise and economic development – £302m
Science and technology – £103m
Employment policies – £214m
Agriculture, fisheries and forestry – £517m
Transport – £655m
Environment protection – £262m
Housing and community amenities – £973m
Health – £3,831m
Recreation, culture and religion – £554m
Education – £2,714m
Social protection – £7,319m
Accounting Adjustments – £800m
Expenditure – £23.2b
Total Income – £12.7b
Total Expenditure – £23.2
Deficit – £10.5b