SEAMUS MALLON – A NO-LEARNER? by Donal Kennedy

The Good Friday Agreement, quipped the former teacher Seamus Mallon, was “Sunningdale for Slow-Learners.”. He’s probably still proud of his quip. But it seems to me that he has as much of an appreciation of realpolitik as a maiden aunt has of the positions described in the Kama Sutra.

He was scandalised when Tony Blair replied to his question as to why the British Government was speaking with Republicans – “Because they have guns.”

I would presume that Republicans only spoke with the British Government because that Government has guns. If at any time the Irish could have out-gunned or out-bombed the British forces, government or strategic targets it would have been criminal folly for them to rule out using those assets to  in the cause of freedom.

Irish voters have repeatedly voted for “BREXIT”  Britain’s Military and Government Exit from Ireland – notably in the 1918 General Election, ” recognised on all sides as a plebiscite” according to THE TIMES of London. Ireland clearly had a superiority of moral force, but, alas, lacked the determining factor of superior military force.

British Gentlemen pride themselves on “Playing the Game” and cite cricket as the sport which most encapsulates their national spirit. But they long differentiated between those participating – ” Gentlemen ” and  “Players.”   Irishmen wishing to play with Britishers rarely faced Gentlemen, and, whenever the stakes were high, were faced with Players.  And what Players!  Those of you who read Damon Runyon’s story ” The Idyll of Miss Sarah Brown”  or who have seen the musical it inspired “Guys ‘n’ Dolls” may remember “The Longest-Established Permanent Floating Crap Game in New York.”. The off-Broadway collection of hustlers, gamblers and ne’er-do-wells of that city, abroad when respectable citizens were asleep, were getting ready for their game when a large figure blew in from the Windy City, preceded by his Chicago reputation. He went by the name of BIG JULIE. He had special dice. Like all dice it was a cube with six sides. But unlike other dice, no numbers were visible on their sides. He insisted on using the dice and knowing the numerical value of the side which came uppermost. The New York players protested. But they acquiesced because (a) Julie was bigger than any of them (b) He had a fearsome reputation. (c) he carried a Colt 45 (d) a Chicago crony was with him, and similarly armed.

It seems to me that Big Julie had all the advantages that British Governments  have deployed in dealing with Ireland. That magic dice could stand in for the Boundary Commission  and for the later insistence that the settlement of the dispute over the annuities claimed by both Britain and the Irish Free State should be decided by a casting vote from a British Dominion Chairman rather than one from the League of Nations. It could stand also for the commitments made by Britain in the Good Friday Agreement and later agreements which Britain shows no sign of honouring.

Those who can still remember THE LONGEST ESTABLISHED PERMANENT CRAP GAME may remember how Sky Masterson defeated Big Julie, using two fists. The venue was a sewer,  and it was necessary to get down dirty to wrest a fair deal from a cheating bully.  Seamus Mallon was quoted on BBC today in an apparent attempt to discredit both Jeremy Corbyn and Sinn Fein. Not Mr Mallon’s Finest Hour.