Dear Stanley,
As a well-read man, you’ll know that line from Mark Twain: “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt”. Yes, it’s sometimes attributed to Abraham Lincoln and sometimes to Samuel Johnson, but the advice is the same – zip the lip, fool.
This, of course, doesn’t apply to you or your fine strong son Boris. You are both men blessed with abundant hair and even more abundant brains. And you both have a way with words.
Your son Boris has put the British border in Ireland in perspective: it is, he says, “a gnat of a problem” and shouldn’t be allowed to derail the whole Brexit process. You yourself have added to the family word-mountain by declaring “It’s absolutely ludicrous, there’s never been a hard border in Ireland.” Those words, Stanley, have put thousands of Irish people in your debt, since it means that the border fortifications in places like Aughnacloy and Bridgend and Blacklion were all part of a bad dream that lasted for several decades. Such a relief.
And now you have been good enough to favour us not just with the Johnson words but with those of the late leader of your party, Margaret Thatcher:
“She would have said ‘Look, if the Irish want to shoot each other they will shoot each other, whether there’s a hard border or soft border’”.
As you know, we Irish have always held Mrs Thatcher in a particularly warm corner of our hearts. Should you receive negative feedback from such people as Nelson McCausland or Sammy Wilson, who would insist that they are not Irish, don’t worry. The rest of us will break the news gently to them.
But just to confirm: you’re saying the Irish should be left to themselves, left alone to solve their problems whatever way they choose? Those of us who are nationalists and republicans will be doing buck-leps of delight if that is indeed what you’re saying. And will your son Boris or you be making a formal announcement soon about the final withdrawal of Britain from Ireland?
In the mean time, maybe you’d be good enough to impress on the DUP at Westminster how little you care about them? Because, somewhat foolishly perhaps, they think that you, Boris and the English people generally see them as kith and kin, that hoops of affection, strong as steel, bind them to you. If both you and Boris could address them as “Paddy” and ask them to take their shooting match back to their own country, it might prove the wake-up call we’ve all been hoping the DUP would receive. It would also end their embarrassing tendency to one minute talk sentimental twaddle about the precious union and next demand an extra billion pounds from the Tory war-chest.
I know we’ve been a drag on England for centuries now, Stanley, and I do apologise, but let’s hope, thanks to people like yourself, that drag will end. And if you do cut us free, we promise we’ll shoot at nobody, least of all our fellow-Irishmen and women. Just see if there’s a way of making it official that Ireland can now govern her own affairs, free from jurisdiction claims by Britain. Given that, we promise we’ll be no bother to you from now on. We’ll have a border poll after a few years of post-Brexit chaos, and then we’ll settle down as a reunited country to watch as you in England/Britain hoist the Jolly Roger and sail off in the direction of the nearest waterfall.
With every good wish for your future health and prosperity, and may your hair remain tousled and your hearts forever young.
Yours respectfully,
Paddy Deshuture
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