Maybe we’re all missing the point. Maybe we’re not supposed to judge Edwin and Paul as Leader and First Minister-in-waiting – that is, not solely as politicians. Maybe we’re supposed to see them as essentlly a two-man comedy duo, so to criticise them for their lack of policies is to ask the wrong question. Impossible, you say? Well then, explain away the Ukraine. The President of the Ukraine is Volodymyr Zelenskiy and he was a comedian. (No, literally, Virginia).
Before you dismiss this out of hand, hear me out. The two men at the top of the DUP tree today are two contrasting characters. Edwin is tall and gangling, Paul smaller and better co-ordinated – in fact, so co-ordinated he once kicked a Gaelic football (Well yes, Virginia, it did show the world which foot he kicked with). The contrast between the pair is further enhanced in that Edwin habitually looks like a man who’s discovered his television is broken down and won’t be ready until the end of August; Paul looks like a man who’s just taken delivery of a huge flatscreen TV for free.
Or you could get a lot of laughs out of just having the two together on stage, one looking a bit stunned by the bright lights, the other smiling and revelling in the moment. Paul might add that he sees a better day coming, Edwin could dismiss such thoughts as coming from the devil and so to be resisted.
They could go on to entertain by reminiscing on former days. Paul could recall how, when he was a member of the justice committee in 2014,, he quizzed a sex worker about her work, and how the sex worker had lodged a complaint: “He asked about my personal sex life, my relationship with my father and – most damning of all – he said that I ‘target vulnerable disabled men’.” She added that she felt sick after Paul had quizzed her.
Edwin could recall his days as Minister for Health, when he had tried to ban gay blood, and how the high court labelled such thinking as “irrational”. He could recall how he wanted to ban blood donations from people who have sex “with somebody in Africa or sex with prostitutes.” He could remind Paul how he Edwin had been against gay couples adopting children, and how he believed Covid-19 was more commonly found in nationalist areas than in unionist areas.
On mature reflection, this isn’t strictly speaking comedy. It’s more comedy-in-politics. And I’d be slow to assume that there aren’t people in the unionist community who believe that two of the best minds around are looking after their interests.
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