Simon and That Woman

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh my word.

There we are, radiating Big Cheese vibes in Cork, and next thing a bloody woman comes up to us so of course we shake her hand and then try to get the hell out of there. But this woman says she wants “a word”, so we’ve no choice but to wheel back and say “Sure” although we have a sort of a bad feeling about this, something not right.

And then the damned woman starts to give out to us that we’ve done nothing for the care workers. I mean, we’ve done nothing for the care workers?! Come ON. Aren’t we out day and night doing things for the care workers? Aren’t we giving them huge salaries and a free chauffeur-drive Merc…Oh, no, sorry, got mixed up, that’s another class of people get that, scrub that last bit. But to get back to County Cork. We’re trying to be civil to this woman and she starts hectoring us, I mean who does she think she is, and does she not know who she’s talking to?? And then what does she do –  that filthy dirty underhand low-down trick – she starts getting all weepy. I mean fuuuuck. Bawling. If we stay she’ll bawl even worse and if we keep going some bastard’s going to say we don’t have a heart. Don’t have a heart – US!  Sure we’re nothing only heart. But here, we’ll have to contact that fecking woman. It appears now the cameras caught it all, right down to somebody shouting at the end,  shouting “Shame!” Oh God. What a fuckup.  But still – we’ll phone her and we’ll grovel like hell, take the sting out of it. And we’ll do a quick video with plenty of pancake on our face so we look less like Dracula, and we’ll pull in the story of the brother being autistic, that usually softens them up, and I’ll bring in the Ma too, and talk about how lonely we were, shocking shocking lonely. And that’s why we went into politics, so we could stop being lonely…Or was it to stop us thinking of the brother? Better get that straight in our head before we do the video. Mother of God.

Who just said “Gordon Brown moment”? Who? We heard you and we insist that that person own up and get kicked out on his arse out of Fine Gael, if they’re in it. Holy shit. Times like this we wish we’d finished our degree and got a proper fecking  job.

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