Micheál Martin has turned political supplication into an Olympic sport, and his masterclass in bending the knee to Donald Trump deserves its own gilded medal. Watching the Irish Taoiseach navigate a room with Trump is like watching a golden retriever attempt diplomacy with a lawnmower—desperate to please, entirely outmatched, and vaguely aware that one wrong step means getting shredded.
The performance art is mesmerizing. Martin approaches Trump with the specific brand of terrified reverence usually reserved for unpredictable feudal lords or explosive ordnance. Every nod is a little too rapid, every smile a fraction too wide, as if he’s trying to convince the room that this isn’t an exercise in geopolitical humiliation, but rather two intellectual heavyweights sharing a moment. It’s not diplomacy; it’s an audition for favorite court jester.
Trump, naturally, treats Martin with the precise amount of respect one accords to a hotel bellhop who brought the wrong Diet Coke. He mispronounces names, forgets titles, and hands out patronizing pats on the back like he’s rewarding a particularly well-behaved toddler for not spilling its juice. Meanwhile, Micheál beams through the indignity, taking every backhanded non-compliment as proof of his legendary negotiating prowess back home. “He called Ireland ‘great,’ lads! We did it!”
The tragedy isn’t just the bootlicking; it’s the sheer, unadulterated desperation of it. Ireland’s foreign policy on the global stage essentially boils down to: Please don’t tax our multinationals, here is a bowl of shamrocks. Martin doesn’t just hand over the shamrocks; he practically garnishes them with his own self-respect. It’s sharp, it’s humiliating, and worst of all, it’s completely transparent. But hey, at least the photo op looked great—assuming you crop out the visible sweat.
Micheál isn’t alone in his toadying unfortunately. With a few honourable exceptions governments around the world have done the same. Who can forget Keir Starmer’s obsequious handing over of King Charles’ State Visit letter? An educated man paying homage to a narcissistic man child like that famous episode of The Twilight Zone in which the adults had to stay in the good books of a boy with supernatural powers. People will look back on Trump’s Presidency with incredulity.
Very good jude