“THE SUSPICIOUS MIND CONJURES ITS OWN DEMONS”by Harry McAvinchey

“THE SUSPICIOUS MIND CONJURES ITS OWN DEMONS.”― Hanshiro Tsugomu

There is  the national news .The stuff that the public across the land here in Norneverland , the rest of Ireland  and  even in some far -flung corners of  the UK,  get to see, hear or read in the various media…and then there are the local  weekly newspapers and the bits and pieces of random news that are read on a parochial level, hidden in among the various adverts for car-boot sales, various church business and  reportage of local agricultural shows and school prize-givings . This is also  where you’ll see various  worthy locals holding up large blown-up cheques  representing money  gathered for a meritorious  charity or whatnot.

You’ll find in these stained inky pages how your own  local ,petty criminals are getting on with their chosen careers, the after- pub- closing drunken, vicious debacles and street- fights, or the occasional car-prang or unsuccessful shop-lifting caper. You’ll get chapter and verse about the matrimonial difficulties and jealousies of estranged spouses here too.

The wife will insist on constantly  buying this weekly “news” and will always, after careful perusal,  offhandedly cast it aside with the entreaty that …”There’s never anything in this thing!”

She’ll buy it every week though …just in case she misses something that is  deemed to be very important. I rarely look at the local papers myself but on occasion it is the place to expose the real underbelly of Norneverland  and the paranoia that stalks this  land in  dark, hidden corners. It’s the kind of stuff that no-one living in , say ,Southport or even Cavan,  will be unaware of, but it is signally what we have to live with on a regular basis here in Norneverland .For example , you ‘d imagine that after the recent visit  by Prince Charles , heir to the English throne , the ruling against the Ashers bakery and the  resounding “Yes” vote in favour of Gay Marriage in the Republic of Ireland , that people would surely be getting a more rounded and balanced picture of what fairness, equality and forgiveness actually means and that it is being embraced whole-heartedly across the population .  The assumption , from outside would be that generally people have finally understood after all these years , what civil and human rights really means.

You’d think that we, as an all- loved-up, smiley-faced , “Have a Great Day “, nation, were cusping at the very edge of a Brand  New  Wonderful Dawn of Open -Mindedness .Those three events happened with some degree of synchronicity , all within the merry month of May…all within days of each other. It seemed a moment to pause , focus and finally see that we had moved into a more mindful and clearer -thinking era, unshackled from a hoary old conniving and bitter  past…a kick in the arse for the baying  Alf Garnetts and the grizzling Albert Steptoes of this world . Naysayers, in retreat, the land over…..

That isn’t the case , of course. The minds that aren’t able to think outside of  their tight little wizened and   shrivelled scrotums,  remain  much the same as they always were …still.In fact they may have become even more congealed in their treacley, but bitter paranoias. There might be a newer , younger generation to witness it, but the tin-hat brigade of conspiracy theorists were  still out in force, ably represented by our very own redoubtable William Frazer.

I know, you all thought he’d had enough of his tomfoolery , but on a more parochial, if less -exposed  level ,his latest caperings have been given some  airspace .He’s been writing letters to the various editors who on a doubtless slack week for news , have given him a podium to crow from once again and have worked their spellcheck to a standstill. This time the sanctified Prince Charles is in William’s  cross-hairs.William reckoned that Charles had gotten  it all wrong on this visit and was actually being manipulated by the hated Sinn Fein.Charles, having been manipulated by everyone else for decades, was apparently  now giving Sinn Fein a go.

William doesn’t much care for Charles’ choice of church to visit in Belfast either . He reminded the editor that it was the same  Romish church where  some fine  young  loyalist… {Loyal to Charles’ mum}….bandsmen had played music outside of…{in deference to her…}   and  had ended up in gaol at Her Majesty’s pleasure for their  musical prowess and their ability to walk in circles.He didn’t think that was quite right and amounted to a vast insult to “his” community. That would be “our” whole  community , I suppose. In any case , William  obviously thought that “his” special community should have some special immunity to break Her Majesty’s laws now and again …especially during the Summertime….a Conscience Clause , if you like …. He thought that anything else was an insult and would dearly have loved to inform Charles of his mother’s obvious mistake.

William also  wanted to know why Charles ‘ itinerary didn’t include a visit to the site where the IRA killed eighteen soldiers on the same day they’d  killed his uncle Mountbatten.He was  very obviously affronted that Charles, as Colonel and Chief of the regiment, was instead shaking the hand of Gerry Adams, representing Charles  prior enemy in the republican equation . William ranted like one of those old soldiers who couldn’t believe that the war had ended long ago and still resisted buying  a Japanese or German car.  No one had  told him that the conflict  had ended long ago. He was still living like that lost Japanese soldier on some lost island atoll of the mind.

William was having none of it anyway.As far as he was concerned it was all a devious plot of insidious propaganda , constructed entirely by the nefarious Sinn Fein. He would, he stated firmly,  be addressing this in further letters .So we await, with bated breath,for his further cosmic revelations.

Apparently  the grand notion, among conspiracy theorists,  that a tin foil hat , constructed of at least three-ply density  of “Baco” roasting -foil or similar,  took hold from  a story in the pages of some 1920’s   science fiction story   , but  it actually has some woolly validity. Evidently the hat could , in theory ,   significantly reduce the intensity of  radio frequency radiation on the wearer’s brain .The effect of strong radio waves has been documented for quite some time and  by approximating a Faraday cage , such a hat , if well -enough constructed  ,could  in theory ,reduce the amount of electro-magnetic radio- emissions passing through the wearer’s brain.

Unfortunately William has not worn his hat with enough regularity and instead , has become a very large part of his very  own conspiracy .

Before I could  dig out my own tin-foil hat , on the same page of the said local periodical,   I came across  another of our stout citizens ….again another William. This time  MLA and DUP Assembly member William Irwin was railing at the law -makers and the Equality Commission  for  not using the Law in the way that his “special” friends, Ashers Bakery wanted them to  . Instead , he , like them , wanted a wee “special law”, just for himself and any like-minded citizens who didn’t really like the  way that the current  law worked.He called it a “Conscience Clause” …. which sounded  a lot like the other William’s idea for a special law for “Special People”…. a sort of Free Pass To Do Anything You Fancied Doing  If You Didn’t Like What You Were Supposed To Do ….a sort of perpetual kindergarden.

I think  that now would be a good time to start selling some of those Tin- Foil Hats …before the aliens invade….