The DUP forms a circular firing squad

Just when you thought 2016 had finished throwing custard pies into the public’s face, we get Ashgate. Like Brexit and Trump, this one affects us in that the DUP have built a machine  to suck tens of millions out of the public pocket. Like Brexit and Trump, our little fit of the vapours is visited with particular ferocity on the largest party in the state. And while I am of course above schadenfreude, as I watched first Jonathan Bell and then Arlene Foster last night, the thought of two ferrets in a bag kept squeaking and bulging in my head.

Because it did make for compulsive viewing. There was a danger you could be distracted by imagining the use of winches to get Nolan’s jacket buttoned, or wondering who bought those cool shoes/boots Jonathan Bell was wearing, or who is Arlene’s brooch-supplier.  But the stuff the two people in question were saying banished all such potential distractions.

We all see different things, even when we’re witnessing the same event. Here’s what I heard and saw and thought.

1. Jonathan Bell is either a very religious person or a repulsive hypocrite. He maintained that God had told him what to do – actually God and the late Ian Paisley (there is a difference). Three times he emphasized his truth-telling nature and three times he quoted Ian Paisley: “Tell the truth though the heavens fall”. If that wasn’t an appeal for the Free Presbyterian wing of the DUP to draw their swords and protect him, I’m a reincarnation of King Billy’s horse.
2. Stephen Nolan really is a tear-jerker. Short of sticking a needle in Jonathan Bell’s bum, he did all he could to set him off on a carefully-televised crying jag. I suspect the only tears  Bell had were internal, and were tears of rage rather than tears of regret.
3. Arlene’s very presence immediately after Jonathan Bell – a presence that hadn’t been trailed in advance – showed how seriously she and the rest of the DUP are taking this. In the early part of the interview she looked like a rattled woman; as it developed, she began to hit her stride, talking over Nolan when she felt the need to.
4. Who was telling the truth and who was telling lies? So much minutiae were thrown at us, it was actually hard to tell. Bell leaned heavily on the Almighty (“I am a poor Christian but I have a great God”) to support what he said. His biggest playing card – the evidence of emails and documents for his claims – unfortunately weren’t available.
5. Arlene played the he-buillied-me card. Jonathan “loomed over” her – just like Donald Trump did with Hillary Clinton in that TV debate. She also played the woman-as-victim card, indicating that Bell had bullied just about any female he could find on the hill. Bell might have had God on his side, but Arlene corralled the women’s vote, even using the magic word “abuse”. She was referring of course to verbal abuse. So here’s a question for you: can you see anyone or anything bullying Arlene? As a hard-boiled US politician said “I don’t get heart-attacks. I give ‘em”.
6. Jonathan leaned a little bit too heavily on the ‘vulnerable people’ bit. Because the scheme was extended – against his wishes, natch – little children sick with cancer were being turned away. He could as easily have said because of comfortable chauffeured cars up on the hill,   or the building of roads, or the provision of education, sick children weren’t getting the medical attention they needed. But she blamed it all on the wood-chip scheme.
7. Why, I ask (again), has no one shone a light on who was the supplier of the wood-chip pellets? Because if they were burning pellets in huts with open doors and windows, an awful lot of pellets must have been bought. So was there one company or several who supplied these pellets? Was one of them a huge wood pellet manufacturer based in Ballinamallard, not a million miles from Enniskillen.
8. What will happen? Nobody knows, although I suspect that Arlene will survive and Jonathan will be left to twist in the wind. Except, that is, some flagrant abuse of power or similar is unearthed before Christmas. In which case all bets are off.
9. People say “Isn’t it scandalous?” but behind their outrage lies a little devil who’s dancing with delight. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the amount of fun it can be, to watch people squirm and get annoyed and pretend they’re crying. Of course we don’t want our money poured into the horny hands of some Fermanagh farmer; but at the same time, it’s fun to see politicians squirm and try to justify the unjustifiable. Tune in on Monday and see if anyone can loom over Arlene and get her to give a straight answer about (i) Who came up with this wheeze in the first place? (ii) How could a half-smart minister not spot the fatal flaw in a half-arsed scheme coming out of her department?; (iii) Where have you hidden all those emails and directives that are crucial to the Bell case?

And to think that people say there’s nothing on TV at this time of year. Stephen Nolan, you have done the state some service.