There is growing prima facie (that’s Latin for a quick gawk, Joxer) evidence that the capital of the Free Southern Stateen, Lapdog –sur- Liffey is actually based on the fictional hillbilly town of Dogpatch, USA.
And just as the cartoonist Al Capp was the motivational spirit behind the original so also his Oirish cousin, Doff Capp had a major role to play in the deformation of the West British capital.
Of course, there are diffrences between the two towns: whereas bow-wow was a constant soundtrack to Dogpatch, USA in the case of Lapdog, UK, the theme music is more along the lines of:
– kow-tow.
Exhibit Z was heard on the Review of the Week Slot on the Pat Kenny Show (it rhymes with Sow) when Shock-jock Ian O Doc of the (gulp) Irish Indo suggested that the Free Southern Stateen (not his phrase) should act as a, erm, conduit (a daaarlin’ word, Joxer) between the UK and the EU.
This proposal was made in the context of a discussion, oops, conversation on the Dog’s Brexit.
Conduit.
This is a word which when used on the tongue of This Valet of the Squinting Sindo means what it says on the bin: flunkey, messenger boy, apple polisher.
Of, if a Goldie Fawn of the same Window on West Britannia a teacher’s pet, a toady
On the same station the previous day, another Kenny featured, this time as a guest on the George Hook Show aka, Phone Line and Stinker, yet another Valet of the Squinting Sindo .
This was the Professor Emeritus of Hackedemia in DCU, one Colum Kenny, the ABC ( All-Base Coverer), formerly of The Unionist Times, Sindo and RTE, who took issue with the age-old Latin adage.
-De mortuis nil nisi bono.
Now, the specific mortuis he had in mind was (surpirse, surprise ) Mortuis McGuinness.
Speaking of Latin, the same Professor Emeritus of Red Topography has a certain bee in his Daisy Mae bonnet about durned dead languages beginning with L:
-Latin and Leprechaun.
In fact, the phrase ‘the only English-speaking country in the EU’ might well have been coined by him, after a profound spell of nano seconds in this Anno Domini, perusing the Doric Columns of Colum the Oracle in the Sindo:
YOO HOO ! INVESTORS FlUSH ! INVESTORS TRUE !
We are the only English speaking c. in the EU
See ! Prince Albert mutton chops in Irish Stew
Darby O’Gill
Left no will
What ho ! Pip ! Pip! Tally Ho ! And Tickeyt Boo !
It is being barked by the corgi dogs on the narky streets of Lapdog-sur-Liffey that The Monoglot Bono is preparing to put music to this Limerick once he gets his comb-and-pulled-tight-plastic in proper working order. It is envisaged that this release will mark his debut as a solo comb-o artiste:
-Me Too.
Abrupt change to key to a matter to do with music: the great musical muse of the movie made about Dogpatch, USA was the stupendous Stubby Kaye. On the surface, at least, there does not appear to be any equiv in Lapdog, UK. But that would be at variance with the Ruth.
He is there alright, not having totally gone away, you know. For in recent times, he has been making self-promotional noises (it’s what he does) along the lines of ‘I don’t like the Monday Club’, specifically for their support of Brexit.
Yes, indeed, none other than St. Bob ‘I’m off’ Geldof. Just as soon as he finally decides to ditch the knighthood in Knightbridge – a real monkeywrench if ever there was one – he will then put his honours list skill-set into operaton for the final time and commence his return to base by walking backwards acrosssssssss the Irish Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea to Lapdog, UK.
Where he has been chosen by unanimous acclaim by the Consentia to perform a public function of no small significance: the unveiling of a bronze statue on Leinster Lawn.
On the identical spot where ditto of Queen Victoria used to squat before she was deported in 1986 to Sydney, Oz where she potty squats to this day Downunder. Incidentally, it was PM G. FitzGerald, MP who authorised the statch to be snatched ‘ on loan till recalled’ much to the shaggy dog chagrin of future PM, John ‘Bullock-Befriendin’ Bruton, MP. who became blue of face and shirty too at the Deportation Order, albeit temporary.
The reason why the former ‘Sir’ and current ‘Saint’ B. Geldof has been chosen for the unveiling is a no brainer for he is widely viewed in Lapdog, UK as the equivalent of the entertainer of Dogpatch, USA:
-Stubby Kaye.
This has nothing to do with music, of course; but rather to the Geloffian take on the Falstaffian dodge of ‘larding the lean earth that he walked upon’. In St. Bob’s case of courrse, it was in Ethiopia.
Hence, his well-earned sobriquet:
– Grub E. Kaye .
It was actually the legendary, I say, legendary political philosopher, Foghorn, I say, Foghorn Leghorn who lived in the hardscrabble, chickenwire neighbourhood of Dogpatch, USA, who first came up with that acute, I say, acute sobriquet.
The anthem of Dogpatch, USA was immortalised by Stubby Kaye:
-Jubilation T. Cornpone.
He was the miliatary hero who saved the hairy bacon of the hillbilly town when it was under dire threat and a bronze statue (with the regulation brass neck) was erected in his honour in Downtown Dogpatch, USA:
‘When we fought the Yankees and annihilation was near,
Who was there to lead the charge that took us safe to the rear?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Old ‘Toot your own horn-pone’.
Jubilation T. Cornpone, a man who knew no fear !
When we almost had ‘em but the issue still was in doubt
Who suggested the retreat that turned it into a rout?
Why it was Jubilaton T. Cornpone:
Old ‘Tattered and torn-pone’.
And just as Johnny Mercer penned the scintillating lyrics for the occasion of the unveiling of the statue in Dogpatch, USA so also there was no shortage of Johnny Mercenaries from which to pick even as they jostled for the honour of penning a paen in honour of Dubilation T. Pogmahone, aka, General Sir John Grenfell Maxwell who left his nicely nicely mark of the Joycean city of Lapdog, UK.
Mainly, mind, with his Silver Hammer. This is the reason, of course, why the Grub E. Kaye of Lapdog UK has a particular penchant for words beginning with SH.
‘Dubilation T. Pogmahone, he kept us hidin’ out !
With our ammunition gone and faced with utter defeat,
Who was it that burned the crops and left us nothing to eat?
Why it was Dubilaiton T. Pogmahone,
Old ‘Easter Morn-hone’
Dubilaiton T. Pogmahone , the pants blown of his seat ! Hurray !!!
You work me up to such a frenzy that I’m starting to hate people I hardly know. Keep it up.
Just as well you do not south of the Black Sow’s Dyke dwell, Fiosrach, a chara.
Otherwise the enzymes of your frenzy would have you through the roof, for these Johnny Mercenaries whom you hardly know, are truly the shoneen sieve that continues to give.
Right now, The Perkin is barely clinging on by his manicured fingernails to the topmost turrets here in Warbeck Towers. Luckily, his inner masochist enjoys this kinda thingy.
Beir bua.