Five things the Twelfth gives us

After Paddy’s Day, the Twelfth is probably Ireland’s best-known date. Given the amount of newsprint it attracts and public money it demands, what does it offer in return?

1. Law-breaking. As far as I can establish, a number of bonfires are illegal. You know it, I know it, presenters of radio and TV programmes know it. And – nearly forgot – the PSNI know it. Yet nobody really highlights this fact. Is that because the bonfire builders can flout the law and nobody says anything? Jamie Bryson has warned it could prove difficult “to control young people” if anyone tries to interfere with these illegal bonfires. I wonder what the young people who celebrate Paddy’s Day in the Holylands area think about that.
2. Tourism. The Twelfth gives tourism a real boost every year. Unfortunately, the traffic is largely one-way, and that’s out. I can’t remember the last time I spent a Twelfth in the north, and I know I’m not the only one. Anyone who can get out, gets out. So much for the rebranded Orangefest.
3. Hypocrisy. When the bonfires come under criticism, unionist politicians normally speak out in their defence. The DUP and the UUP were keeping schtum when Sinn Féin’s Jim McVeigh claimed that all parties, including the DUP, UUP and PUP, had supported the High Court injunction forbidding more materials being added to dangerous bonfires. But as a rule unionist politicians talk about tradition and culture and celebration of the Eleventh night. Paul Givan, our former Minister for Culture, distinguished himself by getting his photograph taken setting fire to a mountain of pallets. But here’s the thing: how many unionist politicians would even think of attending the Eleventh night carousings or even the swagger of the Twelfth parades, if there weren’t votes in it for them? Their enthusiasm is fake – they’re pretty well all middle-class, and the unionist middle class don’t do bonfires. And before some starts yelling at the hypocrisy charge, I’m doing them a favour by making it. The alternative is that they’re sincere in seeing air pollution and triumphalism as Good Things.
4. Tradition. The main justification for Orange marches is that they’re traditional. If ever there was a bogus argument, that’s it. Sending little boys up chimneys was a tradition in Victorian times. Wife-beating in some societies was a tradition. That didn’t make them good. Ditto bonfires and impressing on your fellow countrymen and women that they’re inferior beings.
5. Division. Does the Twelfth give fresh energy to sectarianism in our society, or does it bring those who are different together? Assuming you’re not blind, deaf and dumb, I think you know the answer to that.

Coda: For more years than I care to think of, those bowler-hatted buffoons and their swaggering side-kicks have been casting a shadow over what would otherwise be a glorious day for me. It’s my birthday.